DailyRacingRag.com - April 2013

John Kerry Impresses Arab Allies! Promise of advanced carpet technology key to resolution of Iran nuclear issue. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry got off to flying start in his first tour of the Middle East as America's number one diplomat. April 30, 2013. World Carpet News (WCN)

Super Rubio All In On Immigration! Republican plans to take 100% credit for any success or progress. Grateful happy and clueless Hispanics nationwide will presumably then join the Republican party in time to get Super Marco Rubio the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016. April 28, 2013. DailyBawler.com

Bush Library Statues Made In China! Bargain prices can't be beat. The manufacturer is a Chinese bronze factory that usually specializes in heroic statues for totalitarian states but jumped at the chance to showcase their works in the United States market. April 24, 2013. WesternDailyNews.com

Ted Cruz Ignites Backlash! His finger pointing style and Texas-size ego have created many enemies. However, bullying arrogant aaaholes often find bullseye targets of revenge painted on their backs especially in Washington D.C.. April 23, 2013. Washington NewsFux.com

Uncle Says Suspect Brought Shame On Entire Texan Ethnicity! Former Texas official accused of crimes. The Texas man has been accused of heinous acts and has been bitterly denounced from both ends of the hot and dusty political landscape of Texas. April 20, 2013. WesternDailyNews.com

Terror Group Kills Bill! Intimidated GOP Senators lay down like terrified lamb chops. In the hours following the NRA victory over background checks for terrorists buying assault weapons celebratory gunfire killed at least 29 people nationwide. April 18, 2013. Good Morning Terror News

TOWNHOLE.COM Readers Not Liking Rubio Presidential Slippers! "He looks like a Cuban leprechaun!" The conservative base suddenly remembered they're really not impressed by non-white folks that try to impress white folks. After all isn't that why they hate President Obama so much?
April 18, 2013. Townhole.com

Alternate Universe Bush Concedes To Having Many Regrets! Peace of mind elusive. In one of many parallel universes the Bushes have settled into a retirement regimen of travel, painting and flowers but the reality is that this alternate universe Bush is haunted by his many mistakes and is driven to travel and paint as his desperate soul searches to find peace before the eternal damnation he intuitively knows is coming. April 16, 2013. Parallel News Parallel News

NRA 500 Armed Auto Racing Action! Denver Mattress last car rolling after high speed shootout. Action at the inaugural NRA 500 Armed Auto Race in Texas was a hit with the fans but ended quickly. The first lap was the most exciting in NASCAR history as cars were crashing and exploding like fireworks. After 3 1/2 laps only one car remained in the race and was declared the winner. The winning pit crew went wild and celebrated with gunfire late into the day. April 14, 2013. Townhole.com

Secret Recording Of McConnell Mocking Opposition Engenders Senate Ethics Investigation! Opposition research done by Senate employees. With so much to be done in Washington the highly paid Congressional staff of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell spends their time doing political opposition research for McConnell's 2014 reelection bid. A secret recording of McConnell mocking a former potential challenger was released causing an embarrassed McConnell to feign outrage and accuse Democrats of Watergate style tactics despite no evidence of the criminal conspiracy, trespassing, forced entry, felony burglary, felony grand theft or felony perjury charges associated with Watergate. The F.B.I. said it is investigating. April 12, 2013. NewsFux.com

TOWNHOLE.COM Offers Opinions Out The Townhole! Conservative parrots flock to agreement. Conservative commentators receive near unanimous approval here as this is one place where people all piss in the same direction. April 11, 2013. Townhole.com

Dr. Evil Now Working For North Korea! Danger may be escalating out of control. Dr. Evil has reportedly perfected his ultimate underwater lethal weapon of lasers attached to the heads of large sharks with bad temperaments. If Kim Jong gives the order for the sharks to be launched the security of the United States Pacific Naval Fleet may be threatened. April 10, 2013. NewsFux.com

DAILYBAWLER.COM Aims For New Demographic! Secret strategy key to new secret strategy Conservatives have jumped on the latest political research that says children under the age of 4 are more likely to agree with conservative political positions than any other age group tested. The conservative think tank that oversaw the research flatly rejected the idea that any lack of comprehension about the issues affected the results. Think tank leaders insist a new generation has been born that will lead to a complete conservative takeover of America before the 2032 Presidential election. April 8, 2013. DailyBawler.com

NRA Attacks! Common sense vaporized in all-out assault by NRA. The very creepy leader of the attackers barely resembles a human form and the deaths of hundreds of thousands of human beings has no effect on the alien creature which is devoid of empathy for living things and emotionally capable of feeling only rage and fear.
April 2, 2013. News Nightmares

NEWSFUX.COM Is The NEW HOT TICKET! Celebrity bikini sites all the rage with octogenarians! Mega billionaire Rupert Murdoch owns more than 1000 newspapers, magazines, broadcast and cable television stations worldwide and every single entity has a web site with a link to photos of celebrities in bikinis. Murdoch has an extreme obsession with celebrity bikini pics and credits his unmatched media domination and incredible success to the invention of the bikini bathing suit. Research shows 4 out of 5 media experts and psychologists believe that people want sex with celebrities in bikinis. April 7, 2013. NewsFux.com

Romney Popularity Plummets Out Of Orbit! Exiled landslide loser may join asteroid belt. Mitt Romney's popularity numbers have continued to fall like lead bricks since his humiliating defeat on election day. November 28, 2012. Astral Ejection News

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Al-Awlaki's Final Seconds On Tape!
Hellfire missile finds American-born terrorist in Yemen desert.
Anwar al-Awlaki was humming along in his just-washed 1988 Mercedes Benz on the main highway crossing the hot Yemeni desert in the Al Jawf region and talking jihad with Samir Kahn, his webmaster and only other known American-born al-Qaeda terrorist, and then...Byaaaaang! He's soot. President Obama announced the development adding we've run out of influential American-born radical al-Qaeda terrorists to vaporize.
October 6, 2011. Yemen Blockbuster Video.