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RICK PERRY EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.

Tortoise Crawls Past Hare In Iowa! Santorum moves into third place as hare Perry runs wrong direction! Rick Santorum was delighted! For the first time the self-proclaimed tortoise has seen a surge of support in Iowa. The collapse of support for Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich due to uncounted tons of ruffage and the hare-brained dashing in all directions of Rick Perry created an opening and Rick Santorum has inched his way forward at top speed. The tortoise has previously said if he didn't do well in Iowa he was out of the race. December 29, 2011. Iowa Downs Raceway

Flustered Perry May Quit Debates! Perry thinks out of the box after humiliating loss to smart refrigerator! Rick Santorum says he would never think of quitting the debates but a 1998 Frigidaire smart refrigerator out-thought both Perry and Santorum in this recent test of brainpower. Neither candidate believes in science on basics like evolution or climate change so their defeat by a machine programmed with facts was somewhat expected. After the contest both candidates scoffed at the refrigerator for it's opposition to economic injustices that deny consumers more access to the refrigerator's extended family of smart appliances. October 27, 2011. Iced Tea Party Debate.

Perry Eyes Military Invasion Of Mexico! Open to U.S. troops in Mexico killing Mexicans. Rick Perry says U.S. troops may be needed for the purpose of killing criminal drug cartels. Rick Perry is winning the who's dumber race with George W. Bush and a military invasion of Mexico would clinch it. October 3, 2011. Texas Slow Thinker Derby.

Cain Able To Lead Brother To Death! Cain slays fundraising ability of frontrunner Rick Perry. GOP Tea Party fratricide continues. Florida GOP Tea Party activists gave Herman Cain a huge victory in the Florida GOP straw vote. He bludgeoned heavily favored Republican brother Rick Perry by a 2 to 1 margin. Cain finished with 37%, Perry 15%, Mitt Romney 14%, Rick Santorum 11% and Ron Paul 11%. At only 4%, former Tea Party darling Michele Bachmann has been tossed under the gunpowder wagon. Herman Cain was able to upset Perry with a superior debate performance, non-stop meet and greet events, and a rousing speech one hour before the voting began. Perry did not attend or make a speech given a mutinous crowd and Herman Cain's oratory talent. These are the same folks who booed a gay soldier on duty in Iraq and cheered for letting an indigent accident victim die. Perry's best bet was to just fold his weak hand in a rigged game that backfired and ride on outta town, which he did. September 26, 2011. Florida Pekoe Tea Party.

Injector In Chief! Texas Governor Rick Perry is America's most injection-happy Governor. Perry has a hair trigger when it comes to ordering government mandated injections. From putting hundreds of Texas prisoners to death or mandating government injections into the bodies of all innocent little 11 year old girls in the state of Texas. Perry has been the most needle-happy Governor in American history by a Texas mile. September 16, 2011. Texas Injection Room

Perry Brags While Texas Burns! While out of control fires burned 1700 homes to the ground, Rick Perry was in California bragging Texas air is cleaner than ever. Last year, in the midst of a years long bone dry drought, Governor Perry slashed the Texas volunteer fire department's budgets by over 75% and asked Texans to pray for rain. Folks prayed for the Dallas Cowboys instead. After dismissing climate change and evolution as unproven scientific theories, candidate Perry wasn't even asked which scientific research concluded Texas air is cleaner than ever. September 10, 2011. Rick's Open Pit Texas BBQ

Candidate Perry Pisses On El Paso! Rick Perry calls President Obama liar in crude denial of friendly facts. El Paso business leaders are red-faced and flabbergasted. El Paso, Texas was recently named safest big city in America for the second consecutive year and local business and civic leaders hoped the recognition their city received from a recent Presidential visit would bring more business and jobs. However, at the Republican debate inside the Reagan library in California, Perry was so eager to diss and dismiss President Obama that he pissed on his own people in El Paso by emphatically declaring El Paso UNSAFE. More than problematic, Perry's political performance appeared piss poor to the people of El Paso. September 8, 2011. Reagan Replica Library

Perry / Bachmann Merger Possible! Perry takes lead but Bachmann not ready to submit just yet. It would be the dream ticket for Tea Party fanatics with all the excitement of a royal wedding or old-time public hanging. However, Michele Bachmann intends to hold out until South Carolina which is a must win state for her. Rick Perry made a bold move to announce his candicacy and then immediately take the lead in national polls just as Bachmann claimed her victory in the Iowa straw poll. Both candidates lay claim to Tea Party support so a naturally occuring merger seems possible at any unexpected moment between the two very attractive candidates. August 31, 2011. Texas Country Club Tea House Bed & Breakfast BBQ

Perry Eager To Lead War On Satan! Rick Perry's is a warrior for God and intends to use the U.S. military to wage a Holy War on evil anywhere in the world. By eliminating spending programs like Social Security, which Rick calls an illegal Ponzi scheme, Perry intends to dramatically increase military spending to finance a final confligration big enough to bring Jesus home to planet earth. Perry knows for certain Americans will shrug off their war weariness after Afghanistan and Iraq to support a war for the cause of Jesus. Perry is 100% certain the entire military will support him over President Obama because he was in the Air Force. August 29, 2011. Texas Holy War College

GOP Evangelicals Launch Holy War! Campaigns considered "spiritual warfare". Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry are true believers of an Evangelical religous ideology called the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR). NAR is anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-Jew, and anti-government. The top priorities are to convert Jews to Christianity before Jesus arrives and use the power of the Presidency in order to wage the ultimate war on Satan and advance the end times. August 23, 2011. Holy Land Dude Ranch Texas

Read My Lips, No New Texans! Rick Perry's politics to the right of Genghis Khan. Even Libertarian Ron Paul was quoted as saying "Perry makes me look like a moderate!". From climate change to evolution to social security to minimum wage to healthcare to income tax, Rick Perry's agin' all of it and y'all are either with Rick on every single dadgumb thing Rick believes or y'all are agin' God hisself. August 22, 2011. Bush Science Reform School

GOP Treasury Man Calls Perry An Idiot! Reagan domestic policy advisor and U.S. Treasury official ridicules Perry. Responding to Perry's attacks on FED Chairman Ben Bernanke, Bruce Bartlett said "Rick Perry's an idiot and I don't think anyone would disagree with that" on a CNN national news broadcast. Meanwhile, Perry doubled down on the campaign trail saying it would be treasonous to print money to help improve the United States economy if it hurt his chances of gettin' elected President in 2012. August 17, 2011. Texas Arithmatic School

Talkin Big As Texas Rick Perry's "Big Talk" symptomatic of "Mad Cowboy" or "Foot-in-Mouth" disease". He's only been on the campaign trail for a few days but has already bellowed out a ton of baseless boneheaded bullshit. Claiming to speak for all U.S. troops, "They prefer me." Claiming he knows monetary policy, "Bernanke is a traitor and would be whoop-assed down in Texas." Claiming he knows science, "Global warming is a lie made up by greedy liberals." Other big talk and tall tales includes all Perry has said about a Texas jobs boom which was fueled by Federal stimulus money Perry begged for. August 16, 2011. Iowa BullShit & Beer Barn

Perry Promises To Make America As Nice As Texas! Governor Perry sees the Texas miracle for America Rick Perry's two-step Texas Plan includes limiting education in order to lower frivilous employee expectations of a decent life and offering lottery games for low wage part-time employment without healthcare or other benefits. Then by eliminating unemployment insurance and the minimum wage the labor force will stay highly motivated and full employment is assured as former school teachers, firemen and Afghanistan and Iraq War veterans gratefully pull wealthy folk's weeds for $1.65 per hour. August 15, 2011. Texas Miracle Gardens

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