|DAILY RACING RAG EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.|
|Cantor Takes 1.5 Million Hostages!|
GOP House Majority Leader Eric Cantor says no disaster aid without offsetting budget cuts. Cantor insists hurricane Irene disaster aid to New Jersey, New York and Vermont be paid for by budget cuts. This would be the first such restriction in United States history including 64 other disasters FEMA has responded to in 2011. Cantor's cruel position has earned him the title Public Enemy #1. Cantor voted for over $1 trillion dollars in funding for wars without budget cuts.
August 31, 2011. Cantor Mansion Foyer
|Rick Perry Eager To Lead War On Satan!|
Perry says he's a warrior for God and intends to use the U.S. military to wage a Holy War on evildoers. By eliminating programs like Social Security, which Rick calls an illegal Ponzi scheme, Perry intends to boost military spending to finance a final conflagration big enough to bring Jesus home to planet earth. Perry assumes Americans will shrug off their war weariness after Afghanistan and Iraq to support a war for the cause of Jesus. Perry is dead certain America's troops will support him over President Obama because Perry served in the Air Force.
August 28, 2011. Texas Holy War College
|GOP Evangelicals Launch Holy War!|
Campaigns considered spiritual warfare. Bachmann and Perry share an evangelical ideology called the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR) which is anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-Jew and anti-government. Their top priorities are to convert Jews to Christianity before the Rapture and use the power of the Presidency to wage the ultimate war on Satan and advance the end times.
August 24, 2011. Holy Land Dude Ranch Texas
|Read My Lips, No New Texans!|
Rick Perry's politics to the right of Genghis Khan. Libertarian Ron Paul was quoted as saying "Perry makes me look like a moderate!". From climate change to evolution to social security to minimum wage to healthcare to income tax Rick Perry is against it all and you're either with Rick on every single issue or Rick believes y'all are against God his self.
August 22, 2011. Bush Science Reform School
|GOP Treasury Man Calls Perry An Idiot!|
Reagan domestic policy adviser and U.S. Treasury official ridicules Perry. Responding on CNN to Perry's attacks on FED Chairman Ben Bernanke, Bruce Bartlett said "Rick Perry's an idiot and I don't think anyone would disagree with that." Meanwhile on the campaign trail Perry said it would be "treasonous" to print money to help the economy if it hurt his chances of getting elected President in 2012.
August 17, 2011. Texas Arithmetic School
|Talkin Big As Texas|
Perry's symptoms typical of Foot-in-Mouth or Mad Cowboy disease. Only a few days on the campaign trail and Rick has already talked a ton of baseless boneheaded bull. Speaking for all U.S. troops Perry said they would prefer him over Obama because Perry was in the Air Force. On monetary policy Perry said Ben Bernanke is a traitor and would be "whoopassed" down in Texas. On science Perry says global warming is a big lie made up by greedy liberals. Perry also denied a Texas jobs boom was fueled by federal stimulus money Perry had begged for from Bernanke.
August 16, 2011. Iowa Bullshit & Beer Barn
|Perry Promises To Make America As Nice As Texas!|
Governor wants his Texas "miracle" for America. Rick Perry's two-step Texas Plan includes limiting education in order to lower employee expectations of a decent life and substituting lottery games for the healthcare benefits denied to low wage part-time workers. Perry says eliminating unemployment insurance and the minimum wage would motivate the labor force as former teachers, nurses, firefighters and veterans gratefully pull weeds in wealthy folks gardens for $1.65 per hour.
August 15, 2011. Texas Miracle Gardens
|Titanium Spine Trips Metal Detector|
Bachmann's spine is a 9mm titanium handgun. Nicknamed "The Persuader", Michele Bachmann's titanium spine travels with her wherever she goes. With titanium persuasion and prayer Bachmann and her counselor husband have persuaded a few gays and lesbian to consummate heterosexual marriages for the good of America and the Bachmann campaign. Bachmann says the restoration of America requires God and guns and guys who only like girl's buns. Bachmann was allowed to board her Iowa straw poll victory bus despite activating a metal detector.
August 14, 2011. Aames Bus Depot Gun Show
| Bachmann Victory Beaches Pawlenty! |
Pawlenty pleads to Bachmann "Please stop. You're killing us." A defeated Tim Pawlenty has ended his campaign to be President. Campaigning was difficult for "TP" because he's an easy-going guy who is for laid back economic prosperity. He may now go fulfill his often stated dream of owning his own marguerita bar in Florida.
August 13, 2011. Pawlenty Tent Folding
|Corn Dog Chat & Cut Causes Scene!|
Bachmann cuts ahead of 25 people waiting in line for foot-long corn dogs. One man was irate after Bachmann executed a skillful chat and cut and obtained a deep-fried foot-long corn dog in less than 90 seconds. The man said he "ain't votin' for nobody in no straw vote until he gets his damn corn dog".
August 12, 2011. Iowa Fair Corn Dog Booth
|Romney Fights For The Little People!|
Says little corporations are little people. With a personal fortune of only $250 million Mitt Romney insists he really understands little corporations and it's true. Romney amassed his fortune by buying out U.S. corporations and sending their jobs overseas. Mitt says his fellow investors who plundered U.S. corporations and exported the jobs were people and that makes Mitt a man of the people. Romney said he did not paticipate in the Iowa straw vote because straws are not people.
August 11, 2011. Iowa Corporate Only Parking
|Romney, Huntsman Lose Faith In Iowa!|
Republican candidates downplay results in Iowa. The tea party movement is still popular in Iowa despite a majority of Americans now viewing it negatively. So not pandering to the Iowa tea party population invited punishment at the Iowa straw poll. Some tea partygoers rejoice at a potential American economic collapse convinced it will propel them into absolute power.
August 10, 2011. Iowa Stadium Parking Lot
|Palin In Iowa For Tea Party Event!|
Palin will sell signed DVD's and books at Tea Party convention booth. A Palin spokesperson said of her upcoming appearance at the DVD and book sale. "This is a DVD and book sale to be able to express to Iowans how much we appreciate our foundation and to invite more people to be interested in all that is good about Iowa and to remind ourselves we don't need to fundamentally transform Iowa, we only need to fundamentally transform the rest of America." Palin's just released DVD movie, "The Undefeated", will be available for purchase.
August 5, 2011. Iowa MotorSwap Meet n' Greet
85 Prior Posts - since October 1, 2010 OPENING DAY of the 2012 Presidential Derby
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