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Newt Gingrich May Counter Sarah Palin With His Own TV Show! Newt considers hosting a nature series about the only mammal that can kill and eat a grizzly bear. In nature grizzly bears are not often trapped on chunks of ice at sea but another species of man-eating bear, the polar bear, is often forced to swim miles at sea and is easy prey for Willy the Killer Whale. Newt is considering hosting the show with it's more-than-a-grizzly mascot primarily because Newt is said to be very excited about using the phrase "More Than A Grizzly" as a 2012 primary campaign slogan. Unlike Willy Newt's part in the show will be land-based but with 22 minutes to fill each week Newt feels he can inject enough political trash talk to further his cause. Newt is unconcerned about appearing too ecologically friendly due to the viciousness of killer whales. October 30, 2010. Atlanta City Aquarium Conference Room

Discovery Channel's Newest Reality Series Star! Sarah Palin will be hosting her own nature and reality series starring herself, her family and an extended-family group of Alaskan grizzly bears. Sarah is excited about the upcoming project that will add to the $12 million dollar fortune she has earned since quitting the Alaska Governor's job after only 18 months. Despite criticism from Republican pundit Karl Rove that frolicking in the Alaskan wilderness with grizzly bears is not the best way to run for President, Sarah can point to the fact that the Republican National Committee has already chosen her as their nominee. Sarah is also quick to point out you don't want to mess with grizzly mamas and some of those same grizzly mamas are comfortable with Sarah hanging out with them on her new basic cable television show. October 29, 2010. Hollywood NaturePose Photo Studio A

Tea Party Extremists Vow To Impose Sharron Law In Nevada! Right-winger Sharron Angle throws stones at Harry Reid. Outside secret donor groups have filled Angle's campaign coffers with over $20 million or five times the amount of native Nevadans. More than 80% of the negative television anti-Reid attack ads were paid for by those secret donors. All that came in addition to megabucks from the national GOP treasure chest. Senator Harry Reid was the number one priority of a vindictive national right wing organization this year and Angle is a symbolic pawn useful to national power brokers because she stands against practically everything and for absolutely nothing. Her one and only message is that she is not Harry Reid. She recently issued a decree refusing to answer any reporter questions until after she is elected. October 28, 2010. Henderson Valley Rock Toss Rally

Meg Booed As $174 Million Yacht Sinks! Meg booed by 14,000 at womens conference. Meg's pandering early on to far right wing conservatives set up the race. She then horse traded a pension reform exemption for police union backing. But the big blow was reaction to Meg's treatment of her illegal immigrant housekeeper. Latinos said they wouldn't want to work for Meg and Latino crew members who had been on board abandoned yacht. October 27, 2010. GOP California Marina

Wolf Hunts Politician By Small Aircraft! Private security muscle announce Alaska GOP Senate candidate Joe Miller will be a no show for up close and personal interview. Wolf Blitzer's CNN producers say they will track down the elusive candidate by small aircraft and shoot an interview with the hirsute Joe Miller even if they have to chase the Palin-backed Tea Party favorite all across the vast Alaskan wilderness. Grizzly weather conditions, Sarah Palin PACmen and a snarling pack of beefy body guards will not deter Wolf Blitzer, right now, from shooting this interview. October 26, 2010. GOP Fortress Of Solitude Media Waiting Lounge

Fiscal Conservatives Sing Hail To The Chef For Chris Christie! Liberals say New Jersey public services butchered to the bone. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has done so much cutting, chopping and reducing serving sizes that he feels he is ready for the "Iron Chef" challenge of national politics. New Jersey's "Top Chef" Chris Christie declared a budget emergency and commandeered the New Jersey state kitchen to make some extreme cuts to a budget busting menu. Chicken dinners now only have one chicken leg and other state services have been slashed, chopped or cut out entirely. National Tea Party groups have gushed praise over the wholesale slashing of spending and become quite fond of Christie's dollar value menu of chopped payroll and sliced benefits for state kitchen employees along with a watery soup of gutted government programs for all New Jersey residents. October 25, 2010. Jersey Shore Diner and Backdoor Butcher Shop

Bristol Not Only Palin To Dance! Sarah Palin can also dance and may appear with her daughter on "Dancing With The Stars". Daughter Bristol has been doing very well on the hit television show and producers expect ratings to soar when and if the group dance number airs. Sarah's partner has been kept secret and but she'll get all the professional dance help she needs just like her daughter who has blossomed into a grizzly good dancer. The Disney company owns the popular television series and the Palin family dance number is part of Sarah's meticulously planned Disneyfication in progress. It's all leading up to her expected run for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination. No amount of money is being spared in the effort by the richest of the superrich to groom Sarah Palin to be the family-friendly spokesperson for the most powerful corporations and conservative business groups on earth. October 23, 2010. Beverly Hills Dance Academy

Angle Tells Reid "Man Up, Harry!" Sharron Angle mimics Palin language and tactics by ignoring her unpopular positions on issues to repeatedly hammer at Senator Reid's manhood. She opposes almost everything Nevadans favor but that makes no difference to many voters who are angry and obsessed with the spitting contest that has gotten as unpleasant as the seedy side of Las Vegas. Starting out the underdog, Angle is running as ugly a campaign as Nevada has ever seen. On jobs and the economy she says "Man Up, Harry". On the deficit and financial reform she says "Man Up, Harry". On education, immigration, and healthcare she's unwavering in her rhetoric. "Man Up, Harry, Man Up Harry and Man Up Harry". When she gets off message, like when she called a Latino group Asians, she has less success so she intends to bust Harry Reid's balls all the way to election day. October 22, 2010. Man's World Spa and Tobacco Lodge Las Vegas

Miller Don't Want No More Questions! Private security muscle for the Palin-backed Alaska GOP Senate candidate detains reporter in handcuffs for asking question. Joe Miller has his way of doing things and if you don't like it you can say hello to his little friends who happen to be armed security contractors. Miller is almost completely unknown to most Alaskans but he has been angered and his "no questions" decree is because you are pissing him off and he's had it with your goddam questions and curiosity about who he is. Miller recently warned that personal questions of any kind would no longer be tolerated from anybody. His platform of ideas for Alaska and America is unique. He's against federal earmarks, the income tax, Social Security, Medicare, unemployment benefits and entitlement payments to anybody for anything. The Tea party backed candidate is even against being called a Tea Party candidate. October 21, 2010. Alaska GOP Fortress Of Solitude

Rand Paul Exasperated After Debate! The U.S. Senate contest in Kentucky between Rand Paul and Jack Conway is now rated R. Across the country Republican Tea Party candidates are starting to wilt under a withering media attack from Democrats. Ron Paul is just one candidate taking pot shots from all directions. Many in the media have pinned the labels of goofy, wacky and nutty on other Tea Party candidates like Sharron Angle in Nevada, Christine O'Donnell in Delaware and Joe Miller In Alaska. The list of erratic behavior by Tea Party candidates is growing every day and their political handlers are keeping their fingers crossed and hoping their rookie candidates will somehow avoid a fatal embarrasing gaffe that might cost them the election. Even if one or more of the Tea Party candidates do win they will likely meet a stone wall of indifference on the part of establishment GOP leaders once they get to Washington D.C. October 20, 2010. Rand Paul family residence in Kentucky

Debate Turns Into Louisville Slugfest! Kentucky Senate race between Rand Paul and Jack Conway turns to ugly mama put down brawl. According to Democratic candidate Jack Conway, Rand Paul's mama is so ugly that Rand belonged to a secret college society that mocked Christianity, called the Bible a hoax and said the name of his God was "Aqua Buddah". According to outraged Republican candidate Paul, Conway's mama is so ugly that her son has no decency and is a shameless liar. "You know how we know when you're lying? Your lips are moving," a pissed off Paul said while coming unglued. Conway continued on about how Paul's mama is so ugly her son is an wacky extremist who is so way out there and gone he's playing centerfield from the parking lot. Paul refused to shake Conway's hand at the end of the debate. Neither candidate's mama was in the audience at the University of Louisville. October 19, 2010. University of Louisville Mudd Wrestling Arena

Sarah In Wonderland Coming Soon! Palin will debut her new image at Disneyland. Just as Disneyland Park got rid of it's animatronic bears years ago Sarah will drop the scary grizzly bear talk and morph into a Disney heroine and spunky mother who inspires her daughter to victory on "Dancing With The Stars". Even the first dude has been taking Kurt Russell lessons and eating whole grains to activate the wholesomeness of his Disney being. A veteran Hollywood casting agent says Bruce Jenner has set a low bar for powerless television Dads which makes the Palin family big screen material and Disney screenwriters are busily churning out scripts for G-rated family entertainment. The complete Disneyfication will occur gradually and is timed to precede the 2012 GOP primary season. By then any blemishes in the Palin family lifestyle will have been airbrushed into a hit television series with devoted fans to rival any fantasy family in Disney entertainment history. October 18, 2010. Wonderland Park Raceway Tea Garden

World's Most Popular Person! For the second straight year Barack Obama outpaced Indian movie star Amitabh Bachchan for the title of world's most popular living person. Jackie Chan ran a strong third and Bill Clinton completed the superfecta. The top four were followed by Yao Ming, Bill Gates, Jet Li, Paul McCartney, Chuck Norris, Hillary Clinton, The Pope, George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden and J.K. Rowling. Obama recieved nearly a billion more nods than the second place finisher. Despite eclipsing the leading Republican, Chuck Norris, by over 3 billion fist bumps, President Obama has not been asked for campaign help in many United States state and congressional horseraces. This year the voters are angry and "Voters Gone Wild" is no sexy DVD as most candidates are taking crap like duck farmers. President Obama has been appearing for Democratic candidates where his appearances might help but the requests for political ObamaCare have been far fewer than his standing as the world's most popular living person would normally dictate. October 16, 2010. worldwidenews.us UPDATE! While dining with more than a dozen beautiful former Miss Venezuela contestants at his palacial estate in Caracas, the world's Most Interesting Man disputed the results with an ancient Chinese quotation in perfect Chinese... "What is more popular than interesting?"

Delaware GOP Drinks Tea Party Brew! Delaware Republican primary voters may have been under the spell of bewitching Christine O'Donnell's magical charm. Establishment Republicans were upset with her primary victory because it makes it more difficult for Republicans to regain control of the Senate. Tea Party favorite O'Donnell was able to best a popular Republican Representative, Mike Castle, after not being given much of a chance to win the Senate nomination. She does have a magical sparkle and charm but she will need that and more because three weeks before election day she trails the favored Democratic candidate, Chris Coons, by 19 percentage points and will need a real magic trick to pull out a general election victory. Whether or not she's ever been a witch is of no concern to national Republican leaders but those same leaders have ordered more voodoo dolls than they usually do. October 15, 2010. Timonium Fireworks Warehouse and Halloween Supply

Jerry Brown First Into Stretch! The California Governor's Derby has been a gold mine for television ad producers and local television stations as Republican Meg Whitman has spent $120 million. Despite having never won a single maiden race on any level billionaire Meg Whitman has already bet over $120 million of her own money attempting to buy this race. The Brown campaign has bet $20 million but has another $20 million in hand for a late ad onslaught. Polls call the race neck and neck with Brown taking a slight lead of less than 5%. Whitman has been trailing steadily within striking distance. A series of three debates were blistering high speed and dramatic dealing with Whitman's illegal immigrant stable helper and a secret recording of a groom in the Brown barn calling Whitman a whore for buying off the track security guards by excluding them from pension reform. October 14, 2010. 2010 California Governors Derby in progress

Newt Says Hammer On Food Stamps! Gingrich drops discussion of genealogy and colonial era Africa. Taken to tool shed, Newt comes back with new tools. Gingrich was criticized for speaking about nutty historical nuances but he has honed his message and sanded off some rough spots with medium abrasive sandpaper. In addition to wanting hammer time on the federal food stamp program, Newt found other tools to utilize such as the keyhole saw. He wants to cut out portions of any regulatory laws or entitlements legislation that Newt finds burdensome, unconstitutional or in any way helps anybody who is undeserving of the benefits of a creeping socialist legislative agenda. Gingrich is especially fond of the big wrench to be used for tossing into any further plans for Obama sponsored legislation. Newt did not like, however, a 1970's metric tape measure, "It's in some kind of foreign language." October 13, 2010. Atlanta Home Depot Tool Warranty Registration Drive

GOP Logo Now On Tea Party! 2010 has been the year of Tea Party candidates leading a thundering stampede onto the political landscape and deep rooted establishment candidates were ripped out like old trees in a hurricane. However, facing the need for huge amounts of money and the ever more professional campaign skills needed to win general elections, the renegade rogue bulls from the wild have now joined the domesticated herd of elephants. The GOP logo is now on the porcelin tea pot and the raging bull candidates have had their etiquette lessons for tip-toeing around the gift shop so as not to break the delicate knick-knack artifacts also known as the old boys who still own all Republican commerce in Washington DC. Democratic party coffee drinkers point out that even with the GOP logo the tea pot being sold is still "All spout and no handle." October 12, 2010. George's Washington Mall Souvenir Shop

Dr. Phil: Why McCain Picked Palin! Senator John Thune of South Dakota was everybody's favorite for the VP slot but McCain thought they looked like a "a damned circus act". Dr. Phil explained that there was a significant height difference and that could have been a factor in the decision by McCain to choose a shorter running mate like Sarah Palin. Senator Thune had consistenly scored 100% with American Conservative and Christian Evangelical groups and was highly touted in many cases. Today, Senator Thune insists he's also a fiscal conservative having voted twice against the Wall Street bailout and economic stimulus legislation. Dr. Phil says "Now don't get me wrong." He doesn't necessarily think that Senator McCain looked like Billy Barty standing next to Paul Bunyan. "But, let's be fair here." Dr. Phil concluded inconclusively "People will decide for themselves." October 11, 2010. Dr.Phil's Studio in Hollywood California

DeMint-Santorum Unite For Humanity! Pair cite solemn vows to oppose Vampire Rights Amendment and promise to filibuster all night long if necessary. Senator Jim DeMint and Former Senator Rick Santorum have formed a sacred union to oppose the controversial Vampire Rights Amendment that had been surreptitiously inserted into a House budget measure. When a staffer of former Senator Santorum found out he told a staffer of Senator DeMint who then brought up the matter with Senator Demint and then arranged a meeting for Senator DeMint with Senator Santorum. Bonding was immediate as both men have been leaders in making retractable condemnations of what they consider abominations and neither man could stomach any government activity that did not include an expression of revulsion at the immorality of the vampire hordes. October 9, 2010. Jackson Mississippi Community Center via satellite from Myrtle Beach

What Makes Me Worry? Drunk drivers make Louisiana's Governor Bobby Jindal worry. That's what he told a Mothers Against Drunk Drivers rally held today. "What makes me worry is we've got ourselves a mighty big problem down here in Louisiana with drunk drivers and especially the younger folks and folks of all ages who are getting killed by drunk drivers." Jindal said. "The number one cause of teenagers dying down here is auto accidents and drunk drivers are causing auto accidents. It's just a sad crying shame when a youngster dies young and doesn't live long enough time to live a long life." Jindal continued "I appreciate all you folks here with MADD and what you all are doing and what you all do every day and I want you all to know you all can count on the hospitable cooperation of the Louisiana Governor's office and anything we can do for you all we are going to do for you all." October 8, 2010. Baton Rouge Convention Center

Secret Document Released! Illuminati secret society sends RNC cryptic receipe for 2012 victory. Despite owning half of the world's news media and publishing, the centuries-old secret society known as the Illuminati still prefers an ancient printing process using arsenic and lambs blood for their dispatches. The GOP is expected to follow the receipe down to the last entrails, feather and gopher paw. October 7, 2010. RNC Special Insider Edition

Ron Paul Remembers What America's Values Used To Be! There was a time when freedom was an American tradition. Long before the bankers took over and allowed the military industrial complex to loot the wealth of the nation there was an era of great personal dreams and ambition to accomplish great things and achieve never before done achievements. It's no coincidence that Ron Paul is the candidate most concerned about the loss of the great American traditions of individuality and self-reliance. He's the only candidate old enough to remember when Americans routinely held such high hopes and expectations of themselves. It was a time of visionaries and freedom came without a ten page contract. Paul reportedly woke up from his afternoon nap feeling refreshed. October 6, 2010. Dr. Paul's Imaginarium of Southwest Texas

Songs For The Party! Mike Huckabee first GOP candidate to release his record on CD. Republicans are great line dancers so they'll be slappin' leather to Huckabee's guitar-driven politics as well as pondering deeply his spoken word compositions. Huckabee gets personal and bluesy in his almost apologetic lament about a 16 year-old whose life was spared only to become a cop killer years later. October 5, 2010. Little Rock Music Market

FLASHBACK: Still Tripping On LDS! Mitt Romney is a Mormon and may never be able to convince some right-wing conservative Christian Evangelicals to trust The Church of Latter Day Saints most prominent Presidential candidate ever. No matter what Mitt Romney has previously said, some right-wing conservative Christian Evangelicals believe members of the LDS church are not real Christians or aren't Christian enough. Mitt has tried to assure those folks since, politically, they are mostly conservative Republicans and Tea Partiers, but Mormon Mitt will likely continue to trip on the LDS issue for as long as he's a Mormon. His 2008 call for a democracy of religions today falls on the same deaf ears of folks who are also terrified to the point of madness by the presence of an Islamic community center. October 4, 2010. Salt Lake LDS Explanation Station

Darlings Still Making Big Splashes! Right-wing media darlings threaten many more big splashes and stinks over possible lack of attention due to politicians hogging the darlings' personal spotlights. With the political horserace season starting, the attention-demanding darlings of right-wing Republican media will be forced to deal with the humiliating way politicians pretend to be more important than political commentators during election season. Hurt feelings and bruised egos may be inevitable because these beloved right-wing media darlings have been understandably spoiled by the massive attention they receive from their ratings-hungry corporate enablers and multitudes of coddling fans. Making big splashes and big stinks is what the darlings do so expect more big splashes and more big stinks than ever before. October 2, 2010. Foxworth Day Center and Broadcast Academy

You Chose Palin! The Republican National Committee has decided for all Republicans that the party nominee will be Sarah Palin. The official GOP website now glamorously promotes Sarah Palin as a superstar performer on a victory tour after winning something somewhere. Her upcoming appearances are in Anaheim CA and Orlando FL at the homes of Disneyland and Disney World. October 1, 2010. RNC Special Insider Edition

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