|DAILY RACING RAG EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.|
|Bromance Breakup Broke Newt's Heart!|
It's been all downhill since Trump fired Gingrich. Just thirty days ago Newt Gingrich was leading all national polls and basking in the spotlight with Donald Trump. Then all but two GOP candidates pulled out of Trump's Presidential Apprentice Debate so Trump fired them all including a tearful and dismayed Newt. Since the bromantic breakup the Gingrich campaign has been disorganized, dispirited and desperate for help from wealthy cash donors.
December 31, 2011. Year's Biggest Breakups
|Exodus From Bachmann Lair!|
Another top campaign aide flees after Bachmann airs dirty laundry. First her political director quit to work for Ron Paul. Then after a peeved Bachmann made an awful stink another campaign aide was either fired or sprayed depending on conflicting versions. Bachmann won the first Iowa straw poll but it's been downhill ever since. Her instinctive offensive habit of spraying inflammatory odorous fabrications and fouling the air to beyond toxic levels in otherwise civil discourse has sent some insiders fleeing for fresh air.
December 30, 2011. Iowa Animal Control Blog
Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney
Bobby Jindal endorsed Rick Perry
Gary Johnson endorsed Ron Paul
John McCain endorsed Mitt Romney
President Barack Obama
Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney
Rand Paul endorsed Ron Paul
Harry Reid endorsed President Obama
John Thune endorsed Mitt Romney
DAILY RACING RAG
EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL REPORTS!
If everybody else had these exclusive special reports they wouldn't be exclusive or special.
|Ron Paul Is No Peace Puppy!
America's defense does not require endless wars and world domination! America currently borrows money from China to maintain military bases in 130 nations around the globe. All the GOP candidates except Ron Paul are promising increased military spending and an insane preemptive attack and war on Iran without raising a dime to pay for it and without legal justification or a legal declaration of war by the U.S. Congress as required by the U.S. Constitutiton. Ron Paul understands that a majority of Americans including millions of Republicans are beyond sick to death of stupid endless undeclared wars and the stupid tough-talking power-crazed politicians that start and promote wars for personal political gain or satisfaction of simple evil bloodlust.
December 30, 2011. Des Moines Dog & Pony
|Tortoise Crawls Past Hare In Iowa!
Santorum passes Perry. Rick Santorum was delighted! For the first time the self-proclaimed tortoise has seen a surge of support in Iowa. The collapse of support for Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich and the hare-brained mad dashing about in all directions of Rick Perry created an opening and Rick Santorum has steadily inched his way forward at top speed. The tortoise has previously said if he didn't do well in Iowa Republican primary he would quit the race.
December 29, 2011. Iowa Downs Raceway
|If Corporations Are People, Romney Is Mass Murderer!
At Bain Capital, Romney committed infanticide on struggling corporations. Mitt amassed a personal fortune of over $250 million by hostile takeovers of U.S. corporations then murdering them and sending any surviving jobs overseas. Romney plans to use his expertise at murder on federal programs like Social Security and Medicare because he says government should be taken over, looted and left to die just like the many corporations he killed.
December 28, 2011. Corporate Abortions Today
| Ron Paul Bunyan |
Mild Mitt Romney
Showdown In Des Moines
It was Romney versus "The Gang That Can't Shoot Straight" but now in the final week Ron Paul Bunyan the man with a trillion dollar axe is surging like a fresh cut ponderosa pine roaring down the mountain on a raging river's rapids.
December 28, 2011. Iowa Okay Corral Blog
|Newt's Got Some Splainin To Do!|
Disorganized candidate was left off Virginia ballot.
Newt Gingrich was the favorite in his home state of Virginia but his campaign failed to collect enough signatures to get him on the ballot. It's a major setback and the Gingrich campaign compared it to Pearl Harbor. But Mitt Romney has joke writers on the payroll and within hours Mitt was everywhere saying "Pearl Harbor? More like Lucille Ball in the chocolate factory." Romney is pulverizing Gingrich in Iowa with millions of dollars in attack ads while a frantic Newt is floundering and desperately looking for campaign cash.
December 27, 2011. Newt's Chocolate Factory
|Mitt Wins Illuminati Endorsement!|
Post-Apocalypse plans for New World Order secure.
In a private ceremony held in the 39th floor penthouse solarium of a Manhattan high rise, Mitt Romney received an essential endorsement from the Illuminati represented by none other than former President George H. W. Bush. The Illuminati control the vast majority of the world's wealth and have been the wealthiest people on the planet for more than 200 years. Less than 99 families control more wealth than 99% of the world's population. Their plans for a post-Apocalypse New World Order have been in place for decades so they are very much the status quo and their endorsement of Romney was no surprise. From business Mitt has been on a first name basis with many of the superrich elite for many years. Fed Chairman Bernanke attended the event but stayed near the buffet table as the food is always excellent at Illuminati events.
December 26, 2011. New World Order Tower
|Grandma Saves Christmas!|
Speaker's toy train unplugged. Tea Party freshmen paddled and sent to bed. Grandma had had enough. She's got photos that make the Tea Party blackmail photos of Boehner look like Valentine's Day cards by comparison. Boehner knew his balls had been busted so he backed the bus up and suddenly within 24 hours the House passed the federal payroll tax cut holiday and unemployment benefits extension bill and sent it to the President for his signature. 3 million unemployed Americans will not have their benefits end and the federal payroll tax holiday was saved for 160 million Americans just in time for a Merry Christmas. A tearful Boehner said he was very sorry and left the room.
December 24, 2011. E-Blackmail Holiday News
|GOP Christmas Card Arrives At 160 Million Homes!|
Coal lump not included.
This year's holiday Christmas card photo shows beaming Republican leaders and GOP Tea Party freshman basking in the attention of the media. "We must be more popular than Jesus Christ because, Jesus Christ, look at all these television cameras!" thought more than one wide-eyed attention addicted GOP Tea Party freshman as the Speaker announced he would not allow an up or down vote to take place on the compromise bill that the Senate passed 89-10. The federal payroll tax holiday is dead. Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant...
December 23, 2011. National Scoundrel Daily
|Impotent Boehner Public Enemy #1!|
Herpes virus more popular than Republican Speaker.
He was for it before he was against it! After the Senate passed the compromise bill and left town hysterical Tea Party freshman got their blackmail photos out and Boehner backstabbed America and changed his mind and went back on his word and betrayed his confidence and betrayed his oath of office and backstabbed 160 million Americans. Merry Christmas. The federal payroll tax holiday and unemployment benefits are dead thanks to John Boehner.
December 22, 2011. National Scoundrel Daily
|Ape House Revolt!|
Caesar soaks as Tea Party monkeys pee in pool. The federal payroll tax holiday and unemployment benefits bill may die in the house. Up to 160 million U.S. zoo patrons may be affected by the latest anti-social bad behavior and disruptive antics of GOP Tea Party monkeys.
December 21, 2011. National Monkey News
|Frankly, Newt Gingrich Got Fat At The Public Trough!|
Gingrich says frankly he is fundamentally a historian and categorically denies that a millions of dollars could radically alter his conservative ideology which is universally and properly recognized as profoundly and profusely adverb rich and has been demonstrably proven noteworthy repeatedly! An exasperated Gingrich also said frankly the negativity of the largely Republican sponsored campaign activity against him is seedy and unequivocally and diabolically dangerous as well as possibly historically unprecedented. Gingrich was apparently exhausted from frankly an overly ambitious and uncautiously optimistic strategy basically wherein the candidate inexplicably spews adverbs at ratios normally considered to be of legendary proportionality especially considering the characteristically limited time duration of windows of opportunity and frankly the brevity of typically broadcast sound bites aired nationally.
December 20, 2011. Cedar Rapids Thesaurian
|Looks Like A Duck!|
Romney and Gingrich and mallard bonding ritual. Mitt was asked if he thought Newt was a lobbyist for taking $1.8 million from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac while their executives were committing fraud. Mitt replied "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's usually a duck". Mitt knows ducks and keeps his ducks in a row but Mitt didn't mention another duck axiom... "It takes a duck to know a duck". Both candidates earn millions of dollars every year and get taxed at a lower tax rate than their duck farm laborers who work every day shoveling after big ducks who produce half their body weight in duck dung daily.
December 19, 2011. Des Moines Duckument
|Bombs Bachmann Wages War!|
Bachmann denies hating all Iranians, she just wants them all dead. At the most recent GOP debate Bombs Bachmann bellowed "We have to bomb Iran before they get a nuclear weapon and we have to bomb Iran until they say Uncle Sam You My Maam!" If elected Bachmann plans to "Bomb those Iranians to kingdom come, where they can enjoy their martyrdom". Bachmann thanked Herman Cain for her new Iran policy slogans including... "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb and here's why". Ron Paul tried to hose down Bombs Bachmann's boiling bloodlust but was booed.
December 18, 2011. Iowa Great Hate Debate
|Bachmann Pole Numbers Improve!|
America knows she's got talent at polarizing. Michelle Bachmann has turned up the volume and switched to a full blown all heavy metal attack. She won't be taking prisoners but will be bashing heads. She grips the pole like it's the neck of an arch rival and then does verbal vocal gymnastics while squeezing the liberal life out of the gasping geezer.
December 17, 2011. Aames Talent Reviewer
|Huntsman Reported To Be At Debate!|
Jon Huntsman has been the invisible man in Iowa.
Huntsman was at the final Iowa debate but received little notice as the other candidates stayed busy attacking each other. Despite gaining nothing but indifference from the GOP rank and file Huntsman is the only candidate who believes in science and has an economic plan deemed superior by the Wall Street Journal.
December 17, 2011. Iowa Intelligent Designer
|Mitt Outswam Newt!|
South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley endorses Romney after seeing Gingrich in swimtrunks.
Romney aced the hot tub portion of the endorsment interview process with a soft sell. As Nikki curled up and listened to Mitt's soothing salespitch voice beads of moisture dripped over her full lips and off her soft chin into the soothing bubbly hot water in the private country club spa. Then Mitt dove in and swam with his best stroke as he closed the deal even though Nikki didn't say yes right away. Always the charmer Mitt made a generous contribution towards renovating the club polo field knowing that Governor Haley loves riding her pony. Later Mitt's rival Newt Gingrich had an awkward swim with Nikki and faired poorly due to his embarrassingly flabby physique.
December 16, 2011. Myrtle Beach Country Club
|Romney Debuts The New Mitt!|
Says he can be anybody Republicans want him to be for Pete's sake! In a bold marketing gamble that reminds long time advertising pros of New Coke Mitt Romney unveiled a new reformulated Mitt Romney with obvious influences from opponent Newt Gingrich. The Romney campaign realized Michele Bachmann had a great marketing slogan when she repeatedly chanted "Newt Romney" in the last Iowa GOP debate so they went right to work on Mitt's makeover. Mitt's campaign thinks they may have come up with just the right combination for compulsive candidate switchers and undecided schizophrenic voters in Iowa and are hoping this new tactic is the one that makes all Republicans finally accept Mitt as the inevitable GOP nominee.
December 16, 2011. Mitt's Makeover Monthly
|Newt's Gravy Train On Circular Track!|
Gingrich Inc. hauled in an estimated $100 million.
Newt has cashed in on his career like no U.S. politician has ever done before. His cash haul since leaving Congress in disgrace is larger than the total amount of all bribery scandals resulting in criminal convictions in U.S. history.
December 15, 2011. World's Biggest Scandals
|Gingrich Love Story To Air In TV Movie!|
Heartwarming story of crossdressing soulmates who find each other. Newt Gingrich is known as an angry bomb thrower and insult artist but he also has a soft side. Cruising the Mediterranean Sea in a luxury yacht on vacation with his third wife and soulmate he became cuddly and embraced tenderness. Their vacation was a real life romance novel.
December 14, 2011. LOGO Romance Theatre
|Newt Hosts Event For Kids To Be School Janitors!|
Newterman sang Flock Of Seagulls songs at a large mansion in his wealthy Virginia neighborhood.
Attendance was sparse with just three neighborhood mothers and no children who all fled in terror when they saw Newterman in costume. Two of the mothers said they would vote for Gingrich and wrote out the maximum amount for political contribution checks but a third mother said her vote was conditional on the outcome of a custody battle. She said if her ex-husband won and her kids supported the decision then she definitely wanted her kids to clean school toilets otherwise she was going to be be too busy to bother voting. The Gingrich campaign declared the event another successful fundraiser and were certain they were connecting with voters of all ages. Other neighhbors including Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who didn't want to be identified had complained to the police because the paparazzi traffic snarl had delayed the delivery of an ice sculpture to their seasonal lawn party.
December 13, 2011. Gingrich For The Kids LLC
|SuperPac Ad Fires Back At Dirty Ol' Grandpa Gingrich!|
Why Newt stopped being a philandering douchebag. The combative ad says it's because Newt is so fat he hasn't seen his penis in three years! Newt Gingrich started the mud-slinging at the ABC-TV debate when defending his life as a career politician by switching into attack mode. He nastily went after Romney by saying the only reason Mitt wasn't a career politician was because he lost to Teddy Kennedy and drew boos. Romney responded with a funny line about the only reason he also wasn't an NFL football star but he was steamed at the attack. Gingrich tried to dismiss his three marraiges and his serial adultery as irrelevent when he played the Grandpa card saying "I'm now a 68 year-old grandfather". As if age alone had changed him for the better and given him morality Newt continued to spin like a centrifuge but he only sounded like the same belly dragging amoral amphibian he's always been.
December 12, 2011. Grandpa Gingrich Report
|Speak Softly And Carry A Big Axe!|
When it comes to cuts see Ron Paul Bunyan! Ron Paul has voted against new spending more times than anybody else in Congress and it has earned him the nickname "Dr. No". Government budget cutting has now become popular but the other candidates still only propose slowing the rate of growth in spending and not actually naming any real or unpopular cuts. If the issue of government spending is a GOP voter priority Ron Paul should do well. Paul stands alone among all the GOP candidates in advocating slashing $1 trillion in military spending, ending the war on drugs, and having government learn to keep it's nose out of everybody's personal and private business. Paul spares no trees in the forest and even if you like him he intends to slash some government spending that you and everybody you know are going to want to be continued. Compared to Ron Paul the other candidates are like children with a million dollar revolving line of credit at Tiffany's Toy Store. His powerful message doesn't always register with some people in every audience who want more oratory sizzle in the delivery because he doesn't have sizzle but Ron Paul's big axe message of less spending is gaining strength even if Ron Paul continues to speak softly.
December 11, 2011. Federal New Growth Forest.
|Gingrich Balloon Up In The Air!|
Newt now floating on top of all national polls!
Gingrich had a relatively easy breeze when he was trailing badly but with his new frontrunner status the arrows will be flying his way at the next two GOP debates. With his thin skin and flammable nature Newt has to avoid a Hindenburg crash while manuvering through a circle of anti-aircraft archers in slow motion. The other candidates will all be firing arrows and trying to pop the big gas bag first. This carnival contest has a grand prize of the GOP Presidential nomination so the competition will be fierce from now on. And after the Herman Cain train crash it may be time for an air disaster.
December 10, 2011. Gingrich Slo-Mo Air Show
|Trumpduck Left With Nutsacks!|
Bachmann, Perry now say they're not Trumpsuckers!
Billionaire Donald Trumpduck had thought he bought the entire Tea Party and expected them to show up at his debate. Eft Santorum and Newt Gingrich were included in the deal and handed over in plastic bags like carnival goldfish as were the other candidates. However, the other candidates have all swum away. Only the amphibians Newt and Eft remain. Because of their not being carnivorous reptiles the pair do not find Trumpsuckling offensive when done as a means of sustenance. Trumpduck has cash and neither Newt Gingrich or Eft Santorum do.
December 9, 2011. Trump Tower Playroom.
|Poor Children Need To Work In Toilets!|
Starting early on a lifetime of miserable toil is vital!
Newt Gingrich insists poor children need to develop the habit of getting up early to clean school toilets that rich kids vandalize on purpose in order to humiliate the poor kids who clean them. Newt feels early toilet work experience will prepare poor kids for their life's work of toilet scrubbing for the rich and help them avoid cleaning toilets in prison.
December 2, 2011. Gingrinch Christmas Charity.
|Newt Gives Trump Star Treatment!|
Pair emerge all smiles from private meeting in Trump Hotel suite!
At a joint news conference following the meeting Gingrich gushed all over Donald Trump with compliments and hand gestures as Trump beamed. Trump later hinted the road to the White House runs through his hotel suite and Newt was just showing his commitment to the job by making the pilgramage to Donald Trump's realm. Trump will be hosting a Republican Presidential debate on December 27 and called Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman joke candidates for deriding the importance of Donald Trump and refusing to appear at the Trump Presidential Debate.
December 1, 2011. Trump Tribute Meeting Hall.
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|Al-Awlaki's Final Seconds On Tape!|
Hellfire missile finds American-born terrorist in Yemen desert.
Anwar al-Awlaki was humming along in his just-washed 1988 Mercedes Benz on the highway crossing the hot Yemen desert in the Al Jawf region and talking jihad to Samir Kahn, his webmaster and only other known American-born al-Qaeda terrorist and then... Byaaaang! He's soot. President Obama announced the development adding he's run out of influential American-born radical al-Qaeda terrorists to vaporize.
October 6, 2011. Yemen Blockbuster Video.