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MITT ROMNEY EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.

Mitt Or Myth? Romney Super PACs don't need no stinking policies! Romney may be the only Republican candidate in history to have created thousands of jobs for Mexicans by closing U.S. factories and relocating the machinery to Mexico. American workers left unemployed were just collateral damage to Romney and Bain Capital but they won't be mentioned in Romney's new image-building Spanish language ad campaign. Mitt's latest makeover is targeted at Latino voters and is muy macho but his ads will lack any real reason for Latino voters to vote for him other than the ads being muy macho. The millionaires running Mitt's Super PACs aren't worried about Latino policies because they've already determined that if they run enough radio and television commercials they can convince any targeted group of people to vote against their own self-interest thereby making policies irrelevant. February 2, 2011. Mitt's Makeover Monthly.

Romney Offers Hope! Romney says you're just one Megabucks jackpot (per year) from lowering your tax rate and joining his minimum tax bracket. Mitt Romney feels the pain of compulsive entrepreneurs and risk takers who never stop striving to game the system. He realizes what motivates them is the winner-take-all way the federal tax system works for the big fish and that includes Megabucks jackpot winners. Romney's federal tax rate for 2010 was 13.9% or less than the tax rate paid by dishwashers in the casino's four star restaurant. Mitt Romney banked an after tax take-home profit of $57,000.00 per day in 2010. January 30, 2012. Federal Tax Dodgest

Romney Plan For Underwater Florida Homeowners: Eat More Fish! None of the Republican candidates have a specific housing plan. Economists say the solution to the housing crisis is reemploying the more than six million people who lost their jobs in the recession. People need jobs to buy houses and make mortgage payments and that will not change because of political rhetoric. Once the demand surpasses the supply home values will begin to rise again. If underwater homeowners live long enough and keep making their payments most will eventually recover their lost equity. January 20, 2012. Florida Homes & Seafood

You Go Gargoyles! Romney support in stone. Gargoyles gathered in Jersey City were prepared to leap into their first political campaign since their installations by filthy rich robber barons in the late 1800's. With a wealthy vulture capitalist candidate running, hopes here are high for a new generation of gargoyles and a continuation of this statuesque species. January 14, 2012. Gargoyle Gazette Reporter

Perry Has Proof! Mitt Romney and Bain Capital epitomized get rich quick vulture capitalism. Rick Perry says Mitt Romney and Bain Capital were vulture capitalists and not venture capitalists. Perry hammered Romney over and over about the thousands of jobs lost in South Carolina as a direct result of Bain Capital shutting down factories in South Carolina, sending the jobs overseas and pocketing over $100 million dollars in profits but leaving behind a landscape of ruined lives and families. Romney made a habit of posing for victory photos with his fellow corporate raiders at Bain Capital during frequent celebrations of shuttered factories, job layoffs and looting millions of dollars from companies they bought. Bain's biggest profits were made directly off the suffering of thousands of working people who lost their jobs because of the predatory vulture capitalism perfected by Bain Capital and Mitt Romney. January 12, 2012. Perry's Whoopass News

GOP Clown Car Comes To South Carolina! Nobody will quit despite another win for Mitt. Mitt Romney won the GOP primary in the state of New Hampshire with 39.4% of the vote. Ron Paul was second with 22.8% and Jon Huntsman was third with 16.8%. Then came Gingrich at 9.4%, Santorum at 9.3% and Perry with 0.7%. Perry's New Hampshire showing was so doggone poor he was forced to ride in the crate atop Mitt's station wagon at the many South Carolina welcome parades. January 11, 2012. South Carolina Circus News

Meet The Real Mitt, You're Fired! Romney says he likes being able to fire people! Mitt Romney was on the campaign trail in New Hampshire when he let the real Mitt slip out of the bag with an off script comment about switching healthcare providers after Romney guts the current healthcare system on day one of a Romney administration. Romney was trying to explain that under his plan to end Medicare, by substituting limited healthcare vouchers, you can easily fire anybody providing services you're not satisfied with. Mitt explained it as if the act of firing your doctor or therapist was in itself therapeutic and would provide long term health benefits equivalent to the medical care you will not receive once your voucher is spent. The idea of firing folks certainly thrills Mitt Romney who got visibly excited at that point and gleefully proclaimed how much he enjoyed firing people who didn't provide services up to his standards and satisfaction. Mitt Romney's personality is, not surprisingly, a lot like Donald Trump's as both men are filthy rich rich guys who are driven by massive egos, an overblown sense of entitlement, obsessed with endless self-promotion and possessed by the incredible level of pure greed necessary to amass obscene fortunes like theirs. Likewise, terminating employees has always been a source of joy for both men. January 10, 2012. Mitt's Makeover Monthly

Mitt Still Not Cooked! Flaming hoops next Survivor series challenge for Mitt Romney. After two debates in 12 hours and the New Hampshire primary only a day away, Romney has yet to be roasted and salted but still has a couple of flaming hoops to jump through before he can claim the GOP nomination prize. The other candidates helped Mitt by attacking each other on Saturday night but Sunday morning they went after the frontrunner with a religous fervor. Romney's roast had Mitt baked a bit but not deep fried and despite his poll numbers dropping while Paul and Huntsman are gaining, Romney still has a large lead in New Hampshire. The bad news for Mitt Romney is that a right-wing billionaire just donated $5 million dollars to a pro-Gingrich Super-PAC for the sole purpose of putting a major league propaganda hit on Mitt. January 9, 2012. New Hampshire Survivor Dome

A Mitt For All Seasons! Sarcastic Senator McCain endorses the new Mitt! Following his eight vote landslide victory in Iowa Mitt Romney stepped off his chartered private jet to New Hampshire and was greeted by John McCain at an event announcing his endorsement of Romney for President. Nobody knows more about how to lose an election to Barack Obama than John McCain so Mitt was thrilled. Romney now has the voodoo economics wing of the center right splinter group of the mainstrem Republican portion of the non-Tea Party division of the Republican Party in his corner. Romney wore a new sweater vest and chatted in a folksy style. The recent success of Rick Santorum obviously influenced Mitt's newest makeover but for Pete's sake! Mitt has proven time and again he can look or sound like anybody Republicans want him to look or sound like. January 5, 2012. Mitt's Makeover Monthly

Lord Mitt Romney Wins Iowa Caucus! 8-piece chicken dinner from KFC costs Santorum. When the sun came up Wednesday morning Mitt Romney attended his coronation photo session on the Iowa Corn Throne as official winner of the Iowa Republican Caucus. Romney and his Super PACs spent enough money on the victorious campaign to purchase over 3000 acres of Iowa corn fields. Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes after a home-schooled bus driver ordered the 8-piece KFC combo and arrived too late to caucus. January 4, 2012. Iowa Corn Throne

If Corporations Are People, Romney Is Mass Murderer! At Bain Capital, Romney committed abortions and infanticide on struggling young corporations. Mitt Romney amassed a personal fortune of $250 million by buying out U.S. corporations, murdering them and sending any surviving human jobs overseas. Mitt says his expertise at murderering U.S. corporations will be used on government programs like Social Security and Medicare because they are unjustly biased to favor humans over corporations. December 28, 2011. Corporate Abortions Today

Romney Wins Illuminati Endorsement! Post-Apocalypse plans for New World Order securely in place. In a private ceremony held in the 39th floor penthouse solarium of a Manhattan high rise, Mitt Romney received an essential endorsement from the Illuminati represented by none other than former President George H. W. Bush. The Illuminati control the vast majority of the world's wealth and have been the wealthiest people on the planet for more than 200 years. Less than 99 families control more wealth than 99% of the world's population. The the Illuminati's plans for a post- Apocalypse New World Order have been in place for decades so they represent the status quo and their endorsement of Romney was no surprise. From the world of business Mitt has been on a first name basis with many of the superrich elite for a very long time. Fed Chairman Bernanke attended the event but stayed near the buffet table as the food is always excellent at these Illuminati chowdowns. December 23, 2011. New World Order Tower

Looks Like A Duck! Romney and Gingrich and mallard bonding ritual. Mitt was asked if he thought Newt was a lobbyist for taking $1,800,000 from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac while executives at those entities were committing securities frauds. Mitt replied "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's usually a duck". Mitt knows ducks and keeps his ducks in a row but Mitt didn't mention another duck axiom, "It takes a duck to know a duck". Both Romney and Gingrich rake in millions of dollars every year and get taxed at a lower tax rate than their duck farm laborers who work every day shoveling after ducks because ducks produce half their body weight in duck dung daily. December 19, 2011. Des Moines Duckument

Mitt Outswam Newt! South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley endorses Romney after seeing Gingrich in swimtrunks. Romney aced the hot tub portion of the Presidential endorsment interview process with a soft sell. As a moist Nikki warmed up and listened to Mitt's soothing salespitch voice, beads of moisture dripped over her full lips and off her soft chin into the soothing bubbly hot water at the exclusive Myrtle Beach Country Club. Then Mitt dove in and went with his best stroke as he closed the deal even though Nikki didn't say yes right away. Always the charmer, Mitt had already made a generous contribution towards renovating the club polo field knowing that Governor Haley loves riding her pony. Newt's awkward swim with Nikki went poorly due to the distraction of his embarrassingly flabby overweight physique that can evoke unprintable reactions and apparently did so. December 16, 2011. Myrtle Beach Country Club

Romney Debuts The New Mitt! He can be anybody Republicans want him to be for Pete's sake! In a bold marketing gamble that reminds long time advertising people of the famous Coca-Cola switch, Mitt Romney unveiled a new reformulated Mitt Romney with obvious flavor influences from opponent Newt Gingrich. The Romney campaign realized Michele Bachmann had a great marketing slogan when she repeatedly chanted "Newt Romney" in the last Iowa Republican debate so they went right to work on Mitt's makeover. Mitt's campaign braintrust thinks they may have come up with just the right combination for compulsive candidate-switchers and undecided schizophrenic GOP voters in Iowa and are hoping this new tactic is the one that makes all Republicans finally accept Mitt Romney as the inevitable pre-selected nominee of the 2012 FOX News Presidential Election Corporation. December 14, 2011. Mitt's Makeover Monthly

L'Mitt Feeling Boxed In! L'Mitt frantically dodging tomatoes and attack ads from both Republicans and Democrats. L' Pete's Sake! Romney is the only Republican candidate that Democrats have been running attack ads against and now with GOP verbage dirigible Newt Gingrich floating high aloft the GOP tent and polling first in many polls, L'Mitt has been triangulated like a truffle muffin and is feeling frantic as a Frenchman in a free dance fire drill. Can Mitt find his way out of this imaginery paper bag or recyclable cardboard box? Alas, what will be will be... 'cest le vie. November 30, 2011. Le Mitt Royale Revue.

Lord Mitt Romney's Secret Weapon! Wealthy frontrunner has gold to outspend rivals. Romney was a corporate takeover artist who made $250 million by shipping American jobs overseas. He now has more personal wealth than the rest of the GOP candidates combined. Republicans, like ancient sects, worship gold and idolize a man ruthless enough to steal more of the sacred metal than others, especially if done while outwardly appearing trustworthy. If wealthy Lord Mitt Romney gains the people's trust, he gains immortality. October 14, 2011. Romney Imperial Palace.

His Royal Highness Lord Mitt Romney! Wealthy frontrunner Lord Mitt Romney champions government of the wealthy, by the wealthy and for the wealthy. Honestly, no other candidate more accurately reflects the beliefs and values of Republicans today. "I've got mine and fuck you if you don't have yours." The original Tea Party in 1776 fought against tyranny from an English king with a deaf ear to economic injustices. But today's Tea Party of 2011 fights to establish an even more tyrannical economic imbalance than what existed in 1776. Personal and corporate greed and fear of losing what money they have are the core tenets of today's GOP Tea Party and the other people BE DAMNED! Mitt Romney was a successful corporate takeover artist who made $250 million by shipping American jobs overseas. He should be villified as a traitor to American workers, American freedoms and American families, yet because he has so goddam much money he is a hero and pied piper for the greed-infested rat nests of GOP and Tea Party economic slavemakers. They worship the man with the gold because they know with absolute certainty from everyday life in America that the man with the gold makes the rules and the people BE DAMNED! October 12, 2011. Romney Imperial Palace.

Mitt Got Trouble! That's trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Perry. Oh we got trouble, right here in the Grand Old Party. That's trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with Social Security. Friends, let me tell you what I mean. Ya got one, two, three four, five, six plans on the docket. That docket marks the difference between a gentleman and a bum. With a capital "B" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Perry. Oh we got trouble! Seniors of Leisure City! Heed the warning before it's too late! Your retirement dream is no Ponzi scheme! With a capital "D" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Perry. Oh we surely got trouble! With a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Perry. September 12, 2011. Miami Tea Party Opry

Mitt Recycles Bush Cheney Blueprint! Romney doubles down on helping corporations and billionaires over middle class working people. The Recyclopedia Romney plan celebrates America's soaring income disparity as prosperity and ignores the destruction of the middle class. The plan reduces middle class wages and benefits so corporate employers can hire two or three workers at poverty wages instead of providing one family supporting middle class job. The same old anti-middle class ideas have been GOP dogma for years. September 5, 2011. Recyclopedia Romney HQ

Mitt Ready To Test Southern Waters! Perry and Bachmann's popularity forces Romney to redouble efforts to win support from influential South Carolinians. Mitt Romney may have a big lead in New Hampshire polls but he could be blown out of the landfill with a dismal performance in both Iowa and South Carolina. Thus, Mitt will employ his $250 million charm and try to demonstrate he has something that folks in South Carolina want really bad and that something is money. With all the noise about Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry and the Tea Party, Romney's strategy is that folks would prefer a C-note to a Tea bag and he's comin' on down to tell the South Carolina folks all about it. Don't count multi-millionaire Mitt out of any race in a state that has more preachers than paychecks. September 1, 2011. Myrtle Beach GOP God and Country Club

Romney Fights For The Little People! Says little corporations are little people too. With a personal fortune of only $250 million, Romney insists he really understands the little corporation and it's true. Romney amassed his modest nest egg by buying out U.S. corporations and sending their jobs overseas. Mitt says his fellow investors who plundered U.S. corporations and exported the jobs were people and that makes Mitt a man of the people. Romney did not paticipate in the Iowa straw vote. He's saving money for campaigns in states with more corporations because straws are not people. August 12, 2011. Iowa Executive Parking Lot

Romney, Huntsman Lose Faith In Iowa! Republican candidates downplay results in Iowa. The Tea Party is popular in Iowa despite a majority of Americans now viewing the Tea Party negatively. Not pandering to the Tea Party populace invites punishment at the Iowa straw poll. Some Tea Partygoers rejoice at a potential American economic collapse convinced that an economic Armegeddon will propel them into absolute power. August 10, 2011. Iowa Stadium Parking Lot

Mitt Not Missing, Ends Weeks Of Silence! Mitt Romney is scheduled to appear on Jay Leno's Tonight Show because people thought Mitt was missing, out of the country, retired or locked in a cone of silence. Mitt Romney was not lost but was missing the media attention he wasn't getting because of Sarah Palin. Palin gets more attention than any other candidate and Romney is worried people will forget he is supposed to be the frontrunner. Mitt doesn't want to waste time tweeting stupid Twitter messages but may be forced to start. Romney will be increasing his TV appearances in an attempt to keep up with the avalanche of Palin news, nonsense and the tweet musings of her infatuated masses. November 30, 2010. Romney Media Search

$250 Million To Be Mitt's Running Mate! Before Meg lost the California race for Governor and $140 million of her own money, Meg dreamed of a White House run with her mentor. Mitt is more than a hero to Meg and she'd do anything for the man she calls her mentor and main man. She practically swoons when he's in the room and he has a noticeable effect on her similar to Bieber fever. One psychobabble body language quack suggested Meg has a schoolgirl crush on Mitt and the $250 million dollar offer would be within the realm of possibility for a lovestruck billionaire. November 4, 2010. Arizona's Cialis Hills Hideaway Resort

FLASHBACK: Still Tripping On LDS! Mitt Romney is a Mormon and may never be able to convince some right-wing conservative Christian Evangelicals to trust The Church of Latter Day Saints most prominent Presidential candidate ever. No matter what Mitt Romney has previously said, some right-wing conservative Christian Evangelicals believe members of the LDS church are not real Christians or aren't Christian enough. Mitt has tried to assure those folks since, politically, they are mostly conservative Republicans and Tea Partiers, but Mormon Mitt will likely continue to trip on the LDS issue for as long as he's a Mormon. His 2008 call for a democracy of religions today falls on the same deaf ears of folks who are also terrified to the point of madness by the presence of an Islamic community center. October 4, 2010. Salt Lake LDS Explanation Station

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