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RICK SANTORUM EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.

Santorum On Contraception! Santorum plan goes way beyond Congressional Republicans bill to let employers deny coverage for birth control in employee health insurance plans. Rick Santorum says making women undergo an interrogation by their employers about their sexual activities when requesting access to contraceptives is a good first step but he would prefer criminalization of contraception and mandatory elementary school education about eternal damnation and how God will send young girls to hell and their flesh will fry for eternity if they get pregnant outside the boundaries of a marriage sanctified by their church and God. Santorum is so certain of his beliefs he's considering introducing an expanded Super Amendment to the U.S. Constitution outlawing gay marraige, abortion, contraception, bible burning and criticism of Ronald Reagan. The most recent national GOP polls show Santorum pulling slightly ahead of Mitt Romney thereby emphatically proving Santorum's position that public education is a money-burning disaster that produces generations of intelligence-challenged children who grow up to be uninformed voters. Santorum believes home schooling of Biblical principles including obedience by women who are forbidden from sex except to have children is the path a righteous America must take to remain a shining city on the hill where the world shakes off their utter disbelief at American stupidity and looks to our great nation as the greatest inspiration to mankind since Jesus Christ. February 14, 2012. My Santorum News

You Can't Make This Stuff Up! "I had nothing to do with this" protests Santorum look-alike. Who could believe that Republicans would rally around a candidate that sells nostalgia for an America that never existed. An imaginary place were Rick Santorum's grandfather lived in peace and prosperity except, of course, for two world wars, a great depression, rampant hate and racial prejudice, poverty, illiteracy, ignorance, disease and so many other bad things better left in the past. Never mind facts or truth or history or reality. Rick Santorum doesn't believe in evolution, climate change or womens rights and neither do any of his home-schooled children who will not be scholars to say the least. Santorum should have been laughed out of the contest long ago but one can never underestimate the GOP electorate's appetite for nostalgia and ignorance. February 10, 2012. My Santorum News

Santorum Ecstatic After Triple Penetration! Rick makes swiss cheese out of Romney's nationwide campaign strategy. In a shocking turn of events Rick Santorum won all three states up for grabs on Tuesday. Romney and Gingrich had been in such a frothy lather attacking each other they didn't see Santorum sneaking up behind them. Santorum made a smart move pulling out early in Florida and now his enlarged win column includes Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado. The quick thinking Santorum aide who found a giant foam hand with three fingers up just yesterday said he also found a five finger foam fister for use on Super Tuesday. February 8, 2012. My Santorum News

Rick Santorum Says It's Not His Job To Correct Old Ladies' Crazy Ideas! Santorum says he's not obligated to go around correcting old ladies that think he's in heat like an alley cat and so sexually tormented that he's deliriously lusting for a manly war with Iran. Many of the longtime members of a support group for parents of gays and lesbians were certain that Rick Santorum's homophobia and repressed sexual urges had built up such an unnatural rage inside Santorum that Rick, who never served in the military, is now the most eager of warmongering chicken hawks in the Republican Presidential race. Santorum has promised to start an unauthorized war with Iran and slaughter thousands of Iranians in order to prevent Iran from developing the ability to build a nuclear bomb. January 25, 2012. San Francisco Daily Digestor

Evangelicals Anoint Santorum! Conservative Evangelical Christian leaders gathered in the Texas wilderness to select the one true Republican savior and settled for Rick Santorum. Evangelical religious leaders meeting over the weekend have circled their prayer wagons around Rick Santorum who surprisingly received an overwhelming majority after only two ballots. Rick Santorum is now the official right-wing church sanctioned anti-Romney Republican candidate. Church leaders felt Santorum's two-fer of well documented hatred for gays and lesbians and his promise to start an unauthorized war with Iran and slaughter thousands of Iranians, best demonstrated the Texas gathering's understanding of Christianity and their deep belief in the the King Of Peace, Jesus Christ. January 17, 2012. Texas Word Of God News

Santorum Promises War With Iran! Giddy Rick is war monger politician for Christ's sake! Rick Santorum is a big goofball with as much love for his home-schooled family as he has pure blind hatred for the Islamic peoples of Iran who would dare differ in opinion from a sweater-vested twerp who is eager to bomb them all into martyrdom. Santorum has made his guarantee of a U.S. military attack on Iran and the apocalyptic war to follow his most passionate campaign promise. Evangelical Iowans won't be choosing a candidate if Santorum wins, they'll be declaring a holy war on Iran. January 2, 2012. Iowa Killing Fields

Santorum Rally Cornfuses Experts! Santorum gains in Iowa even as Romney rolls out million dollar gold plated campaign ad machine! Rick Santorum has been toiling near the bottomland of Iowa polls for weeks but suddenly his campaign is plowing into the top tier territory for the first time ever. Santorum has run family-filled ads featuring his seven home-schooled children and apparently Iowa's children of the corn have responded in bushel baskets. Other candidates have leveled few attacks at Santorum assuming he was a scarecrow but the latest GOP Almanac has been but a booklet of bad predictions from the beginning. January 1, 2012. Iowa Cornrow Highway

Tortoise Crawls Past Hare In Iowa! Santorum moves into third place as hare Perry runs wrong direction! Rick Santorum was delighted! For the first time the self-proclaimed tortoise has seen a surge of support in Iowa. The collapse of support for Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich due to uncounted tons of ruffage and the hare-brained dashing in all directions of Rick Perry created an opening and Rick Santorum has inched his way forward at top speed. The tortoise has previously said if he didn't do well in Iowa he was out of the race. December 29, 2011. Iowa Downs Raceway

Flustered Perry May Quit Debates! Perry thinks out of the box after humiliating loss to smart refrigerator! Rick Santorum says he would never think of quitting the debates but a 1998 Frigidaire smart refrigerator out-thought both Perry and Santorum in this recent test of brainpower. Neither candidate believes in science on basics like evolution or climate change so their defeat by a machine programmed with facts was somewhat expected. After the contest both candidates scoffed at the refrigerator for it's opposition to economic injustices that deny consumers more access to the refrigerator's extended family of smart appliances. October 27, 2011. Iced Tea Party Debate.

Daniels Pulls Out, Leaving Santorum! Rick Santorum ready to throw his hat in the ring. Former Senator Santorum has worked up a frothy mixture of lubrication and alteration of his announcement speech, the byproduct of Mitch Daniels pulling out just as Santorum is jumping in. "Santorum happens", an aide said. May 24, 2011. Rocky's Phillybuster Gym

DeMint-Santorum Unite For Humanity! Pair cite solemn vows to oppose Vampire Rights Amendment and DeMint promises to filibuster all night long if necessary. Senator Jim DeMint and Former Senator Rick Santorum have formed a union to oppose the controversial Vampire Rights Amendment that had been surreptitiously inserted into a House budget measure and somehow slipped through that body of the legislature. However, a staffer of former Senator Santorum found out and hooked up with a staffer of Senator DeMint who then brought up the matter to the Senator and arranged a meeting for DeMint with Santorum. Bonding was immediate as both men have been leaders in making retractable condemnations of what they consider abominations and neither man could stomach any government activity that did not include an expression of revulsion at the immorality of the vampire hordes. October 9, 2010. Jackson Mississippi Community Center via satellite from Myrtle Beach

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