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JOHN BOEHNER EXCLUSIVE! If everybody else had these stories they wouldn't be exclusive.

Emergency GOP Strategy Session! Unemployment lowest since Obama took office! Republican Congressional leaders held an emergency strategy session but were unable to develop any new coherent strategy or consensus after a chaotic discussion. Up until the latest jobs numbers came out, the GOP strategy was simple; Congressional obstructionism to everything President Obama proposes, spreading the message of pessimism and doom, discouraging businesses to hire or invest by creating artificial crisis after crisis in Congress and hoping that the slowly recovering economy tailspins into the toilet just in time for the 2012 elections in November. The possibility of a rapidly improving economy on election day has a stoogefest of GOP Congressional leaders plotting to increase their ongoing sabotage of the U.S. economy in order to win more seats and more power. February 3, 2011. Congressional Stooge News

Grandma Saves Christmas! Speaker's toy train unplugged. Tea Party freshmen paddled and sent to bed. Grandma had had enough. She's got photos that make the Tea Party blackmail photos of Boehner look like Valentine's Day cards by comparison. Boehner knew his balls had been busted by Grandma no less so he backed the bus up and suddenly within 24 hours the House revived the dead payroll tax cut holiday and unemployment benefits extension bill, passed it and sent it to the President for his signature. 3 million unemployed Americans will not have their benefits terminated and the federal payroll tax holiday which affects 160 million Americans was saved just in time for a Merry Christmas. A tearful Boehner said he was very sorry and left the room. December 24, 2011. E-Blackmail Holiday News

GOP Christmas Card Arrives At 160 Million Homes! Coal lump not included. This year's holiday Christmas card photo shows beaming Republican leaders and GOP Tea Party freshman basking in the attention of the media. "We must be more popular than Jesus Christ because, Jesus Christ, look at all these television cameras!" thought more than one wide-eyed attention addicted GOP Tea Party freshman as the Speaker announced he would not allow an up or down vote to take place on the compromise bill that the Senate passed 89-10. The federal payroll tax holiday is dead. Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant... December 23, 2011. National Scoundrel Daily

Impotent Boehner Public Enemy Number One! Herpes virus more popular than Speaker. He was for it before he was against it! After the Senate passed the compromise bill and left town hysterical Tea Party freshman got their blackmail photos out and Boehner backstabbed America and changed his mind and went back on his word and betrayed his confidence and betrayed his oath of office and backstabbed 160 million Americans. Merry Christmas. The federal payroll tax holiday and unemployment benefits are dead thanks to John Boehner. December 22, 2011. National Scoundrel Daily

Ape House Revolt! Caesar, Cantor impotent as Republican Tea Party monkeys pee in pool. The federal payroll tax holiday and unemployment benefits may die in the house. Up to 160 million U.S. zoo patrons may be affected by the latest anti-social bad behavior and antics of GOP Tea Party monkeys. December 19, 2011. National Monkey News

Drunken Boehner Confesses His Sins! I'm a douchebag and have been a liar my whole life. I grew up around my Dad's bar where he made me mop up after drunks who had pissed all over the bathroom. I used to pick up their wallets and steal their cash. I learned how to bullshit at a young age and that's all I ever do now. October 9, 2011. Congressional Whiskey Bar.

GOP Tea Party Freshman Gives Debt A Bad Rap! Congressman Allen West gets down on debt with a thumpa-thumpa booming bass line and a hip-hop beat. West has a natural talent for audacious self-promotion and finding the tv camera spotlight. September 3, 2011. Cut, Cap and Bitchslap Congressional Black Tea Party Caucus

She's Gonna Blow! Government shutdown showdown brewing as Speaker Boehner may be losing control of new emotions bubbling up. Republican Tea Party caucus members have defied their Speaker by pushing for a full blown government shutdown. A real life game of crazy chicken has pushed the situation to the boiling point and threatens to make a watery soup of the nation's economic recovery. February 27, 2011. Tea Party 1st Annual Bonfire and Padlock Party.

SUPER BOWL SCANDAL! Conservative Congressman Christopher Lee R-NY sacked. Lee was playing for sex via Craig's List when his careless email including a shirtless photo was intercepted. Lee, who is 46 and married, claimed to be 39 and single while looking for a conservative adultorous relationship based on trust and family values. February 9, 2011. GOP X-List

GOP Seeks Hefty Tax Cuts For Millionaires! Boehner calls tax cuts for 98% of Americans "chicken crap". Despite more than two-thirds of the country against tax cuts for millionaires, including the vast majority of Tea Party voters, the GOP leadership of John Boehner in the House and Mitch McConnell in the Senate have made tax cuts for millionaires their number one national priority. To the GOP nothing is more important than tax cuts for the superrich. December 4, 2010. GOP Society Weekly

Eager Boehner Ready To Fill Pelosi Shoes! Rep. Boehner set to assume Pelosi's job with GOP takeover. Boehner has been in Washington D.C. for a long time and knows the game well. After a quick makeover Boehner will become the most powerful member of the House. November 1, 2010. Washington D.C. Government Clothing Mall

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