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| Live From Afghanistan! McCain to address Rebublican convention by satellite phone... McCain hopes to be standing over the corpse of Osama Bin Laden while giving his speech. July 6, 2008. Kabul Cave TV |
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| Bush Moves Closer To War Oval Office relocated to Dubai tower over holiday weekend... Bush wants a luxury suite view of the action. July 5, 2008. Halliburton White House Oval Office Tower in Dubai |
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| Barr Blasts Bush Bullshit Bush lies defiled meaning of the words freedom and liberty... We now use the word "freedom" as an excuse to invade sovereign nations and protection of "liberty" is now an excuse to take it from us. July 4, 2008. American Airport Gates of Hell Terminal |
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| This weekend, millions of Americans will celebrate our Independence Day. They will gather in parks and on front lawns, fire up their grills and enjoy an evening of fireworks, family and friendship. Children will wave sparklers in the air, tracing figure eights, while fathers will light seemingly endless fuses of fountains and firecrackers. Most revel on the Fourth of July as a matter of tradition – and it is a good one. I have celebrated this day throughout my life, even when I lived in nations that did not cherish freedom. When I reflect on our Independence Day traditions, I am deeply grateful that Americans continue to celebrate this historic day, but I am also saddened by our combined failure to stop the continued encroachment upon our freedom. Each July 4th, I look back at our year and can literally count the ways in which the path set forth by our forefathers has been distorted and, many times, betrayed. We live in a nation bursting with people who love liberty but governed by men who lust for power. For over 100 years, those designing men have been enabled by a political system that favors and protects the powerful. Republicans and Democrats have maintained and significantly increased their hold on the reigns of our government regardless of the damage that has been done to the men, women and children who work, love, live and die in our great nation. Today’s America does not resemble the intent clearly laid out within that document that was signed by patriots 232 years ago. They put more than ink to paper when they signed the Declaration of Independence; they placed their lives, families, prosperity and honor on the line for liberty. Our founders knew that we are endowed by our creator with certain unalienable rights. They held no tolerance for the thought that we are granted rights by government. Our rights, our decisions, our very lives are ours. It is through individual responsibility by which we prosper or fail – not by state decree or legislation. When Jefferson added the word “among” into the phrase, “among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness,” he was defiantly stating that our rights are self-defined, short of depriving another of their life or liberty. Since the day that the Declaration of Independence was signed, we appear to have lost the meaning and intent of the words: independence, freedom and liberty. Instead, those words have been echoed with abuse on campaign trails and government buildings by politicians who use them as Orwellian tools to mean just the opposite. We now use “freedom” as an excuse to invade sovereign nations. The protection of “liberty” is now an excuse to take it from us. But today, during this election year, we have the opportunity to change the course of events. We have a chance to send a message to Washington that will rock its foundation. Together, we can make the word LIBERTY ring true with deafening accord. My candidacy for President of the United States is not one of vanity or shallowness. I, probably just like you, have had my eyes forced open by a government that wants to take all that it can from me and my family. I am running for president to stand firm and demand a return of my liberty, my privacy, my labor and the peaceful heritage of my nation. I ask you to stand with me. Together we face the two-party behemoth that will do all that it can to silence us. That’s why I need your help today and in the future. I respectfully ask that you support my candidacy by making a donation today. Given the state of our economy, I know that times are tough. They are tough for all of us and that’s why we so desperately need real change in our nation. If you can, please donate today, as your contribution is urgently needed to move our campaign forward. As important, over this coming weekend as you are spending times with friends and loved ones, take a minute and attempt to educate them as to the true meaning of liberty and how it has been lost in our nation and ask them to stand with us. Respectfully, Bob Barr |
| Bush Prepares For China President will attend opening ceremonies in Beijing... His daily regimen includes jogging, squat pilantes and destroying America's image abroad. July 3, 2008. Chinatown Restroom |
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| Senor McCain Flies South McCain visits Halls Of Montezuma in Latin American tour... Senator says his next trip is to the shores of Tripoli. July 2, 2008. McCainista Miltary Airport |
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| McCain RIP Platform DOA McCain has at some point been on all sides of every issue... McCain sees nuclear power, offshore oil drilling and disco dancing in the future. June 29, 2008. McCain Mountain Mausoleum OTB |
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| Amity Before Unity Secret sea cruise meeting brings hope to seaside tourist town... The poor folks in Amity need hope because their beach was foreclosed by predators. June 28, 2008. Coast Guard Cutter SS Unity |
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| Hannity Goes Undercover O'Seana digs deep to find unfounded rumors for FOX news... Hannity later said leaving the studio was one of the toughest things he's ever done. June 26, 2008. Miami Imam Convention '08 |
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| Macs Choice For 69 years McCain's yellow stained teeth match his favorite condiment... History minded mathematicians have been working to determine how many mustard dogs McCain has eaten. June 25, 2008. McCain Mountain Food Court and OTB |
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| White House Beer Garden Cindy intends to run her beer company from the White House... Cindy makes a $300,000 salary running the 3rd largest beer distributorship in America. June 23, 2008. White House Beer Garden |
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| Nader Talking Spanglish Arab-American speaking bad Spanish wants wasted votes... Perennial candidate Ralph Nader is hoping to fuck things up un mas tiempo. June 22, 2008. Naderz Carneceria OTB |
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| Obama Es Muy Caballero Obama reaches out to Latinos in New Mexico and Nevada... Obama intends to do everything possible to win and Mexican-Americans are crucial. June 20, 2008. Obama Carneceria OTB |
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| Obama Says No Fed Funds Obama continues to raise record crops of small donations... With no limit on funds Obama will be better able to counter negative ads and smears. June 19, 2008. Obama Farms Greenhouse |
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| First Lady Of Soap Opera Cindy McCain favored for important People's Choice award... Meanwhile Michele Obama has been portrayed as the villian and booed by right wing FOX television critics. June 18, 2008. Lifetime Family Circle MSNBC Theatre OTB |
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| Outsource Offshore Billing McCain plan outsources billing for increased offshore drilling... By eliminating the jobs of all U.S. clerical workers McCain reasons the cost of gas might decrease fifteen cents. June 17, 2008. McChevron Oil Floating Offshore Bookeeping Depot |
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| McCain Differs With Bush McCain's global warming policy will outlaw excessive heat... Senator says he's acclimated to Arizona heat but it's getting too hot lately. June 16, 2008. McCain Mountain Thermometer OTB |
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| Bob Barr Rents Town Hall Raises McCain's offer to twice daily & weekend dinner shows... Libertarian Bob Barr has yet to hear any reply from the McCain campaign. June 14, 2008. McCain Mountain Town Hall OTB |
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| McCain Giant Pander Bear McCain panders to disappointed white Clinton supporters... Not being in agreement with Clinton on a single important issue was not mentioned. June 13, 2008. McCain Mountain Zoo |
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| Cindy Proud Of America Millionaire beer heiress also proud to sell America's #1 beer... Cindy McCain can't understand how anyone could ever criticize America. June 12, 2008. McCain Mountain Flag Room |
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| Obama Climbing In Polls National polls show Obama opening up a lead on McCain... McCain was in Pennsylvania trying to convince Hillary supporters that he's the white candidate for the job. June 11, 2008. Pennsylvania Disgruntled White Womens Club |
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| Obama Scores On Economy McCain has no defense for Republican era economic failures... Both downtown and in the paint everything Obama threw up was dropping. June 8, 2008. Game One Best of 39 Series |
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| Springtime for Submarines The Producers plan $20 billion anti-terror nuclear submarines... General Electric Corp. produces nuclear attack submarines in Connecticut. Both men agree on the need to produce a collossal production to exploit a U.S. military budget bigger than all the other countries in the world combined. June 6, 2008. Connecticut Submarine Smelter and Eel Farm"Satan's favorite delicacy!" |
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| MLK Dream Within Reach Barack Obama is living the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King... Just like Jackie Robinson 56 years ago there forever will only be one man who was first to break the color barrier. June 4, 2008. U.S. National Field Of Dreams Skybox |
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| Obama Wins Enchilada Hillary and Bill not ready to make nice with Obama just yet... Senator Obama is the first minority entry to become a nominee for President. June 3, 2008. Metrodome Raceway |
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| Hillary Wins South Dakota Clinton finishes the long campaign with an upset victory... After 17 months the closest Democratic primary race in history has ended. June 3, 2008. South Dakota Derby Winners Circle |
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| Get Fit! Retirement Over McCain plan solves Social Security deficit problem overnight... Under the McCain plan anyone younger than Senator McCain has to go back to work. June 2, 2008. McCain Mountain Auditorium |
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| ...If You Can't Take A Joke Zany Dick Cheney's official paid apologist offers apologies... Insult comic has a full set of comedy material including West Virginia inbreeding jokes. June 2, 2008. Veterans Cemetery WV |
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| Bush Suffers Nightmare In President's bad dream Laura refuses to go back to ranch... President Bush drank a glass of warm milk and drifted back to sleeping peacefully. June 2, 2008. Bush Digital Mind Channel |
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| Hillary Wins Puerto Rico "La Vida Loca" of Hillary's historic campaign is almost over... Ricky Martin provided the music and promised to never support another Republican. June 1, 2008. San Clinton Beach Resort |
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| Wolf Roused By Pack Wolf Blitzer was roused today by a pack of hungry reporters... Reporters said they woke Wolf because the breakfast buffet was open. June 1, 2008. Washington D.C. Turner Hotel 6 |
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| McCain Calls Obama Naive Bush campaigns for McCain cash and unimpeached legacy... Bush has been collecting McCain campaign contributions from his own mega donors. May 30, 2008. Rio Grande Caverns TX |
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| Satan Okays 4 More Years Pledges $666 million to Republican nominee after Bush plea... President Bush was hailed as an outstanding contributor to the cause of world confligration. May 29, 2008. Hell Awards Roast |
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| McCain Meets Bush Donor Bush helps McCain raise millions at secretive fundraiser... McCain has suffered from poor fundraising up until tonight's closed to press and cameras event. May 28, 2008. El Paso Texas |
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| Libertarians Field Entry Bob Barr receives Libertarian Party presidential nomination... Barr says with federal spending and spying Republicans abandoned conservative principles. May 27, 2008. Liberty Raceway |
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| Peace Process Begins Nobel Peace Prize winner to help negotiate end of conflict... Former President Jimmy Carter says he's certain everything can be resolved and Democratic party unity achieved. May 26, 2008. Carter Center Dispute Resoultion Arena and OTB |
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| Richest Man Backs Obama World's second richest man wants recount of boats in Florida... Warren Buffett, the world's richest man, has endorsed Barack Obama for President. May 25, 2008. Obama of Omaha Mutual Fund |
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| The Queen Of Beers Cindy McCain is 3rd largest Budweiser distributor in America... Tax returns show Cindy as owner still draws a salary of $296,000 per year. As First Lady Cindy could help over six million beer drinkers jailed while enjoying her products. May 24, 2008. McCain Mountain Beverage Center |
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| Original $6 Million Man Likes to vaporize mosquitos with enhanced laser vision... The Senator received a clean bill of health today. Doctors said his body had accepted hundreds of advanced nanomachine and cryptochip implants. May 24, 2008. Pentagon Top Secret Medical Clinic and Day Spa |
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| Dobbs Belly Never Fuller After years of Bush administration failures Dobbs hits 300 lbs... Lou Dobbs says he's had a bellyful of the blather government officials are feeding us. May 23, 2008. CNN 24 Hour Cafeteria OTB |
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| Heel Lieberhound Senator Joe wants YouTube to censor anti-American videos... Lieberman says current safeguards didn't pass his independent sniff tests. May 22, 2008. Senate Kennels and Videos Committee |
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| Obama Half Way Home Obama wins big in Oregon and Clinton wins big in Kentucky... Obama now has more than half of the available pledged delegates nationwide... May 21, 2008. Portland Downs Winners Circle |
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| Hillary Wins In Kentucky Obama wins big in Oregon and Clinton wins big in Kentucky... Obama now has more than half of the available pledged delegates nationwide... May 21, 2008. Churchill Downs Winners Circle |
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| Bush Burning To Bomb Iran The "War President" has only 243 days left to start a new war... An aide on Bush's recent trip to Israel leaked that Bush is in favor of taking immediate military action against Iran. May 21, 2008. Air Force One Bathroom Message Board |
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| Old Man O' War Returns McCain rides 2004 winner and oldest horse in political history... George Bush the self-titled "War President" rode the same old political warhorse to victory last in 2004. The old gray horse is slow but always finishes well in fear mongering times. May 20, 2008. McCain Armory Barn |
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| McCain Mulls VP Choice 71 year old McCain wants a VP with comparable experience... Vice Presidential candidates have been arriving daily at McCain headquarters to be interviewed for the job. May 19, 2008. McCain Campaign National Headquarters Sun City AZ |
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| Rove Flag Pin Kingpin Toxic lead lapel flag pins make Karl Rove millions of dollars... Rove's marketing of the artificial patriotism symbol ranks with the hoola hoop and pet rock in entrepreneur history. May 18, 2008. Rove Industries Chinese Flag Pin Factory |
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| McCain's American Vision Worth over $50 million Cindy's economy is peachy right now... As First Lady, Cindy McCain wants to make things even peachier by the year 2013. May 17, 2008. McCain Future Kitchen Exhibit |
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| Obama Singers Harmonize John Edwards to sing with the Obama Barbershop Quartet... Roll out the barrel because happy days may soon be here again for barbershop quartets nationwide. May 16, 2008. American Barbershop Idols Showdown |
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| McCain Goes Green Calls for immediate deployment of eco-friendly death ray... As President, McCain would use ecologically friendly weaponry when possible in future U.S. military invasions. May 15, 2008. Yellowstone Missile and Death Ray Test Range |
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| Little Obama Met Jacko King of Pop was filming a music video in Hawaii 35 years ago... Jacko now resides in the Middle East with his multi-racial grandchildren and is said to favor Obama for President. May 14, 2008. Santa Barbara County District Attorney Archives |
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| Hillary Wins West Virginia Senator Clinton deserves her victory lap in West Virginia... Hillary's supporters get at least one more day to celebrate. Now on to Kentucky. May 13, 2008. West Virginia Democratic Derby |
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| Dodd Beards For Obama "Hillary is toast" despite leads in Kentucky and West Virginia... Senator Dodd also said he thought an Obama/Clinton ticket was doubtful. May 12, 2008. Dodd Family Old Kentucky Home |
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| Hillary Digs Down Deep Senator Clinton has deep support and leads in West Virginia... Hillary proudly claims that she's a cousin of coal miners daughter who knows how to stand by her man. May 11, 2008. West Virginia Coalition for Coal and Clinton |
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| Not White Enough To Win Experts say mustard mouth is problem in image obsessed era... In the age of "American Idol" and dental implants undecided voters may not respond to a mustard colored smile. May 10, 2008. Thomasson Oak Furniture Dental Division |
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| Republican Rat Pack Republicans unite to raise money for Republican candidates... President Bush brought down the house recalling his favorite Dick Cheney anecdote. May 9, 2008. GOP Hotel Washington D.C. |
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| Edwards Smokes Mathpipe Says it's difficult to watch Hillary lose herself to math... Edwards also said it's difficult to make the math work for her to win. Edwards is still neutral despite signs that the former candidate may make an endorsement soon. May 8, 2008. Edwards Estate Gatehouse Pressroom and OTB |
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| 4 Out Of 5 Dentists Agree Obama's teeth favored by bipartisan group of Oregon dentists... Clinton's caps come in second with McCain's George Washington era wooden choppers a distant third. May 7, 2008. Portland Dental Center and OTB |
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| McCain Orders Air Strike McCain fires missiles in response to bad temper question... Senator McCain has become increasingly annoyed at constant questions about his notoriously bad temper. May 6, 2008. Michigan GMC Weapons Division Air Show |
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| McCain Memories Fuzzy Almost 40 years after captivity McCain story questioned... A Texas group going by the name Banana Boat Veterans for Truth has questioned McCain's POW recollections. May 5, 2008. Universal Movie City Apedome |
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| Senator A Channel Surfer McCain says he's learned how to operate tv remote control... Senator McCain was explaining how he handles bad news from Iraq and criticism of himself by television pundits. May 4, 2008. Cinco De Mayo Tequila Festival AZ |
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| Hillary Outswum In Guam Obama paddles hard for slim 7 vote victory in Guam Derby... Obama has now swept all of the oceanic island aquatic equestrian Democratic party primary and caucus races. May 3, 2008. Seahorse Park, Island of Guam |
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| Colonel Was A Black Man Wright says CIA plot tripled obesity rate in African-Americans... Pastor Jeremiah Wright also said the government stole the famous fried chicken recipe from a black man and used a retired Army Colonel in the plot. May 1, 2008. Polk County KFC and OTB |
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| Bigger Balls Than Rocky North Carolina Governor Mike Easley endorses Hillary Clinton... Easley, who previously endorsed Edwards, went on to say "This here lady makes Rocky Balboa look like a pansy." April 30, 2008. Clinton High School Auditorium Clinton NC |
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| McCain Raises Few Fronds McCain's tour of forgotten places forgettable for fundraising... John McCain spoke of old time values to a crowd estimated at half a dozen. April 29, 2008. Fernville/Ponduck County Seat |
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| McCain's SOL Health Plan Senator McCain says your bad health is your own damn fault... John McCain spoke of personal responsibility to a roomful of permanently disabled smokers in wheelchairs. April 28, 2008. Rockville Indiana Health Clinic and Veterinary Services |
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| He Says We Did It Enough Barack says no because they've done it more than 20 times... Hillary says one more time for old times sake, Barack says enough is enough... April 27, 2008. Indy Brew 102 Motel and OTB |
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| Mile High Club Debate? Hillary says how about doing it one mile high in a helicopter?... Hillary says other possible locations include on the back of a flat bed truck, on a park bench or in the back of a minivan. She says Pastor Wright can also come too... April 26, 2008. Indianapolis Hotel Helipad |
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| Obama Girl Still Fired Up Obama girl pledges to bikini dance until November election... "The Obama girl won't quit. And we deserve a President who doesn't quit either... April 25, 2008. Strip City Club Indianapolis |
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| She Wants To Do It Again Once Hillary debated Barack there was no going back... Hillary says let's do it again anytime or anywhere... April 24, 2008. Indy 500 Seat Convention Hall Indianapolis |
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| HRC Rings Liberty Bell Hillary wins Pennsylvania Blue Collar Derby by 10 lengths... "The American people don't quit. And they deserve a President who doesn't quit either... April 23, 2008. Pennsylvania Park |
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| WHAT GODDAM TEMPER? IT'S NOT A PROBLEM IF YOU'D JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT... John McCain seemed annoyed when interrupted while training camels. April 22, 2008. Baghdad Camel Club Training Track |
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| Voters Ready To Flush Biggest terd in U.S. history has all plumbing backed up... For disgusted American citizens, many of whom are currently vomiting from the awful stench, soon enough will not be soon enough... April 21, 2008. Washington D.C. Roto Rooter |
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| American Revolution Redo Patriots assemble to regain freedoms lost to tyrant George... The Pennsylvania primary election has been contentious but the competitors were in harmonious agreement in their disdain of the erosion of personal freedom under the Bush administration... April 20, 2008. Philadelphia Sunrise Newscopter 9 |
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| Earwigs Chew Into Budget Some Congressional pork barrel earmarks missing... Senator Harry Reid says fumigators will be called in to eliminate the pests and get the Washington Pork Barrel Gravy Train rolling again... April 18, 2008. Washington D.C. Govt. Printing Office |
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| Camel Jock Backs McCain Grateful Iraqi camel jockey finds riches in pickup camel races... Since the U.S. occupation began the Iraqi countryside has been awash in CIA funded one hundred dollar bills and camel racing now brings big money to even small racing events. One camel jockey said he'll soon have enough U.S. currency to retire in Dubai with six or seven teenage wives... April 17, 2008. Baghdad Camel Club Raceway |
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| Obama Names New Pastor Rev. Al Green is People's Choice winner in Gospel category... Senator Obama has been practicing his singing skills for a gigantic gospel show hosted by his new pastor at the annual Jefferson Washington faith and family event to be held in Gary, Indiana... April 16, 2008. Indiana Gospeldome |
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| Hillary Ready For Hunt Senator Clinton not bitter but loves guns and God anyway... The controversy over Obama's "bitter" comments continued with Hillary's demonstration that she's no elitist... April 15, 2008. Penn Gun Shop, Saloon and OTB |
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| Obama Plays For Jackpot 2008 Super Megalotto Top Prize is valued in the $$$ billions... Senator Obama is confident his A game will bring him the top spot... April 14, 2008. Philadelphia Downs Raceway and Satellite OTB |
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| Jesus Doll May Give Nod Bobblehead Jesus and Hillary dolls agree on many issues... The bobblehead vote may be a small bloc but they are quite agreeable... April 13, 2008. Philadelphia Bobbledome OTB |
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| Rice Touted For Number 2 Condie could be an Obama neutralizer and McCain naturalizer... Condoleezza Rice is popular in popularity polls and McCain needs to appear popular... April 11, 2008. Camp David Training Track |
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| Beer Better Bitter? Barack backers bitter about backlash to Obama bitter banter... A small New Zealand brewery has since received record orders on the internet... April 10, 2008. Philadelphia Beer Museum & OTB |
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| Dems Use Gutter Tactics Both Hillary and Obama throw campaign gutter balls... Insiders say they are trying to demonstrate that they are human and regular folks by being bad bowlers... April 9, 2008. Pittsburg Blue Collar Lanes and OTB |
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| Hillary Promises Artillery Pennsylvania pistol makers can count on big orders forever... Good old American hard work and ingenuity has helped supply the entire world's urgent need for still more weapons. Senator Clinton says we need those jobs now more than ever.... April 8, 2008. Pennsylvania Armory Museum |
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| Bush Mind On Olympics Bush has been jogging to stay in shape for China events... President Bush says failure in China could do serious harm to the world war against terrorism and terrorists... April 6, 2008. White House Jogging Command HQ |
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| Fighting Erupts In China U.S. Olympic plans explode in dispute over breakfast menus... The official Chinese morning jogging plans of President Bush could be disrupted if the conflict continues... April 5, 2008. Birds Nest Stadium Beijing China |
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| McCain Foreclosure Plan McCain may offer used FEMA trailers to foreclosed families... McCain mathematics wizards say the 11,000 leftover FEMA trailers from Katrina would go a long way towards helping the estimated two million families losing their homes this year... April 4, 2008. McCain AFB MS |
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| Bush Package Not Enough Pelosi says Bush package too small and not stimulating... Meanwhile the non-existent McCain stimulis package offers even less stimulis to the economy which has shrivelled under the impotent leadership of the Bush administration... April 3, 2008. White House News Resistant Bunker |
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| It's The Economy McStupid Young Americans want jobs and futures not honorable death... Impoverished young Americans don't like McCain's message to join the military as way to avoid a gang related death or a long prison sentence for drug crimes. Typical young man on the street reactions were "No thanks Senator, I'd rather dumpster dive than be bomb bait up Shiite creek."... March 31, 2008. McCain Mountain News Bunker A |
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| McClueless On Economy McCain non-plan means struggling homeowners SOL... McCain has no plan for the economy and absolutely no plan for the mortgage meltdown. Since McCain is a war hero and was a prisoner of war 40 years ago he reasons that losing your family home is just a minor inconvenience for your family by comparison. McCain says stop whining... March 29, 2008. McCain Mountain Nuclear Resistant News Bunker |
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