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L'Mitt Feeling Boxed In! Frantically dodging attack ads from both Republicans and
Democrats. Romney is the only Republican candidate that Democrats have been running attack ads against
and now with GOP verbiage dirigible Newt Gingrich floating high aloft the GOP tent and polling first in many polls, L'Mitt has been triangulated like a truffle
muffin and is feeling as frantic as a Frenchman in a free dance fire drill. Can Mitt find his way out of this imaginary paper bag? Alas, what will be will be...
'cest le vie. November 30, 2011. Le Mitt Royale Revue. |
| Cain Train Derails After Mounting Sexy Atlanta Boxcar Herman's nasty baggage spills into public view! The Cain Train is off the rails as Cain's latest political clusterfuck is the revelation of a 13-year extramarital affair with an Atlanta woman. Cain denied ever riding the midnight booty train and says they were just very close friends. November 29, 2011. Atlanta Railroad Central. |
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Can Jesus Accept A Fourth Marriage? If Mitt gets Newtered for Republican unity, will their marriage engender an Evangelical backlash? Newt Gingrich will need the full support of a newtered Mitt Romney for the general election and Mitt will assume the running mate position in order to get into the White House and be just a heartbeat from the Presidency. "Mittens" knows that succession may be the only way left to get the top job. November 28, 2011. GOP Mobile Think Tank. |
| Newt Says Security Before Liberty! No need for Bill of Rights! Newt Gingrich has a palace to lounge about and therefore security is the top priority least mobs of protestors occupy his gilded estate and desecrate his historical memorabilia. Gingrich has pocketed over $120 million selling influence with Congress and has accumulated a wealth of treasures. November 25, 2011. Gingrich Palace. |
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Newt Made Fortune For Advice From Fortune Cookies! He ate the cookies too! Newt Gingrich parlayed his former career as Speaker of the House into a fat multimillion dollar fortune. Newt's bank accounts have grown fat by establishing private conservative think tanks and organizations all across America for fat fees and continuing fat cash payments. As a consultant for fat cats and large corporations, Newt, Inc., is estimated to have brought in a fat $120 million since Gingrich left Congress in disgrace. No one else in history has ever earned more cash after leaving Congress and that's why Newt is fat and flush and owns a Virginia mega-mansion. Newt has been so successful padding his fat wallet he forgot what a disgraced hypocrite he was. His ego has swollen to obese proportions and if arrogance was bottled as fragrance Newt's sweat would be an aromatic sensation. November 23, 2011. Gingrich Estate Fat Sauna. |
| Mr. T-Party No More Herman Cain's former fans now pity the fool. Herman Cain's popularity has plummeted like a Chilean coal miner since his many boneheaded politic gaffes, goofs and missteps have dominated late night comedy for weeks. Four women are still accusing Cain of sleazeball behavior and he has done nothing to clear up the issue or mollify Tea Party prudes and evangelicals. Cain's popularity with women is long gone despite Cain continuing to deny every one of the many sexual harassment allegations. The Herman Cain campaign is now sagging like an overloaded fanny pack. November 22, 2011. Mister T Party Magazine |
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Gingrich Says Slave The Children! Claims laws against child labor are "truly stupid"! Newt Gingrich says all unionized school janitors should be fired and replaced by child toilet scrubbers. Gingrich also wants to employ cub scouts to carry him around his Virginia estate in his favorite Tiffany sedan chair. Gingrich says poor kids could be serving his needs today if not for child labor laws that keep kids in school. Gingrich left Congress in disgrace for ethics violations but has raked in $120 million selling influence with Congress as a consultant for fat cats and corporations. November 21, 2011. Gingrich Hills Plantation. |
| Bachmann Says "I'm Your Man" Tea Party Congressperson says I've got a steel spine and big silver balls. Nobody in the room dared asked if they could check those facts thereby proving that Michele Bachmann is intimidating. With all the weaknesses evident in her male competitors Bachmann makes the case that they need to "man up" and stop acting like little boys. The angry Tea Party faction Bachmann claims to represent say the challenge ahead is too big for boys and boyish behavior like brain freezing and flip flopping on GOP approved factual distortions. Bachmann is used to being the man of her house and will take no sick or wounded prisoners in her war on Obamacare. November 17, 2011. Tea Party Rally Revue. |
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Newt's Secret Sauce! Gingrich took millions from Freddie Mac!
Gingrich is the new flavor of the month after topping a recent national poll. The campaign meltdowns of Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann and Herman Cain have left an opening and like the perennial McRib sandwich Gingrich is back on the menu. Of course, they also take that same sandwich off the menu every year because people get sick of it. Newt is enjoying his moment of glory but it is almost certain to end because Newt has more baggage than an airport terminal and revelations of adultery, hypocrisy and more will eventually undermine the Gingrich campaign. November 16, 2011. GOP CheeseBurger Barn. |
| Cain Jobs Plan Comes Up Short! Despite his thick resume Cain's jobs package is lacking and may be unpopular with women! Cain has been providing employment opportunities for ambitious attractive young women his entire life. However, the Cain jobs strategy does not provide any assistance for really ugly women. A fourth female accuser of Cain has come forward with attorney and political grim reaper, Gloria Allred, to explain the Cain jobs plan. After a night of expense account dining and alcohol plying a former female industry associate Cain put his hand up the skirt of job seeker Sharon and pushed her head down on his bulging package saying "You want a job, right?" She rejected Cain's "suck or you're outta luck" offer and later got no help in finding employment. November 8, 2011. Gloria Allred Thunderdome |
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Cain Campaign Kept In Dark! Cain didn't say he's a player!
When Herman Cain was the head of the National Restaurant Association he rarely missed an important business event like the annual Miss Hooters bikini contest. Cain may have been a judge at more than one event but didn't mention it to his campaign manger who has resumed a bad smoking habit from the stress. Old political pros know sex related scandals always last longer than anyone can stand and Cain's scandals are not over despite Cain's refusal to answer questions. A black cloud of doom and cigarette smoke is hovering over the Cain campaign. November 7, 2011. CSI Herman Cain Report. |
| Big As Wienergate! UK betting on Cain sexual harassment scandals! Current odds are 2-1 that more than 5 claims were filed and 8-1 the total will stay at 4. If the total of settlement cash payouts is under $100,000 that bet will pay 2-1. Over $100,000 pays 6-1. November 3, 2011. Harrah's London Sports Book. |
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Cain's Restaurant Job Had Perks! Cain says harassment wasn't even necessary! Cain has a huge problem. When he was the head of the National Restaurant Association between 1996 and 1999 two women employees filed sexual harrassment claims against Cain and were paid five figure cash settlements to keep quiet forever. The Cain campaign hopes this sex scandal doesn't play out like Tiger Woods who eventually had more than 19 women come forward with public allegations. If the details keep getting juicier the Cain campaign train may have jumped the track heading to the GOP nomination. His handling of the situation has been a disastorous string of conflicting explanations. November 1, 2011. Cain Resume Photo Album. |
| Flavor Of The Week Offer Extended! Herman Cain's new internet ad smoking hot! He said he wouldn't be a flavor of the week and so it is. Going into his third week as a top tier candidate Cain's internet ads have used a recurring smoking theme to create buzz. October 30, 2011. Cain Advertising Agency. |
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Flustered Perry May Quit Debates! Suffers humiliating loss to smart refrigerator! A 1998 Frigidaire smart refrigerator out-thought both Perry and Santorum on a television game show but Santorum said he won't quit the debates. That neither candidate agrees with science on basics like evolution and climate change enabled their defeat by a machine programmed with facts. After the contest both candidates scoffed at the refrigerator for it's opposition to economic injustices that deny consumers more access to the refrigerator's extended family of smart and energy saving appliances. October 27, 2011. Iced Tea Party Debate. |
| Chilean Model Taken Hostage? Cain offers to trade 999 illegal immigrants, close Yuma detention facility. Herman Cain promised to never deal with terrorists but in this hypothetical case Cain simplified matters by renaming the terrorists "talent coordinators" and taking the deal. October 17, 2011. Cain Policy Gamers Derby. |
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Cain Reveals Plan For U.S. Military! Simplify everything and no more gays! Cain has a strategy for America's armed forces and it has already been proven popular with teenage military strategists. Cain's "999" tax plan was based on a popular video game "Sim City 4" so Herman again went to a local shopping mall to determine how to best command the United States military and which enemies to kill. Simplicity is the key to every policy for Herman Cain because simple minds demand simple answers and Tea Party folks hate any policy their kids can't understand. October 17, 2011. Cain Policy Toy Store. |
| Bachmann Mind Meld Unplugged! Suddenly, Tea Party thinks Michele Bachmann is from another planet! Michele Bachmann lost her language translator and is no longer on the Tea Party dessert menu as those fickle folks gorge themselves on a new flavor of the month every month. Not long ago she was the Tea Party's peachy keen vanilla bean ice cream darling and then overnight she was upchucked into the void of deep space and is now wandering in a worm hole while a pampered pack of pickled puckers taste all 31 flavors on the menu. It's black walnut this week, according to current flavor craze, Herman Cain. Bachmann may come back but her chances are melting faster than bi-polar ice caps. October 16, 2011. Lost Flavor Frontier. |
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Lord Mitt Romney's Secret Weapon! Frontrunner has gold to outspend rivals. Romney was a corporate raider who made $250 million by shipping American jobs overseas. He now has more money than all of the other candidates. Republicans like ancient sects worship gold and idolize a man ruthless enough to steal more of the sacred metal than others while outwardly appearing trustworthy. Lord Romney believes if he can gain the people's trust he gains immortality. October 14, 2011. Romney Imperial Palace. |
| Herminator's 9 Slice Nein Nein Nein Pizza Deal! Now with mini Nazi mushrooms!
Herman ain't German but he's come up with a winning slogan that has caught on with the public. His Nein
Nein Nein tax plan is more popular than all other identical or vastly superior tax plans with less catchy names. In his career of selling cardboard tasting pizza
Herman Cain has shown an amazing ability to put minimum wage part time workers to work selling cardboard tasting pizza and then skimming the profits off the top
as an overpaid corporate CEO. October 13, 2011. Cain-Nicht International. |
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His Royal Highness Lord Mitt Romney! Wealthy frontrunner Lord Mitt Romney champions government of the wealthy, by the wealthy and for the wealthy. No other candidate more accurately reflects the beliefs and values of Republicans today. "I've got mine and get lost if you don't have yours." Tea Party patriots in 1776 fought against tyranny from an English king with a deaf ear to economic injustices. But today's Tea Party fights to establish an even more tyrannical economic imbalance than ever. Mitt Romney was a corporate raider who stole $250 million by shipping American jobs overseas. He should be villified as a traitor to American workers and American families yet because he has so goddam much money he's a Republican hero and pied piper for the greed infested rat nests of corporate economic slavemakers. They worship the man with the gold because they know with absolute certainty from everyday life in America today that the man with the gold makes the rules and the people BE DAMNED! October 12, 2011. Romney Imperial Palace. |
| Value Voters Prez Discounts Ron Paul Straw Vote Victory! C'mon, we're a chicken shit organization at best. Family Research Council President and top cock, Tony Perkins, didn't like that Ron Paul won 37% of the vote. Perkins said the Paul campaign influenced the poll by busing supporters to the Value Voters Summit. Perkins said that true conservatives never ride the bus anywhere therefore Paul's victory is not reflective of the conservatives that the bogus Family Research Council ludicrously purports to represent. October 11, 2011. Value Voters Straw Barn |
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Drunken Boehner Confesses His Sins! I'm a douchebag and been a big liar my whole life. I grew up around my Dad's bar where he made me mop up after drunks who had pissed all over the bathroom. I used to pick up their wallets and steal their cash. I learned how to bullshit at a young age and that's all I ever do now. October 10, 2011. Congressional Whiskey Bar. |
| Cain Conundrum Herman Cain's game is confidence, but is it all a confidence game? (yes) Cain has pulled into the top tier in recent polls but can he continue to convince conservatives? Tea drinkers are tossing tea leaves into wishing wells hoping that Cain is not just a pusher talking smack but will come through with the liberal pain killing medicine they've been craving... Obamacaine. Not surprisingly Cain's support is as weak as a wicker basket in the black community. Cain says it's "Democrat brainwashing, pure and simple". October 8, 2011. Cain Brainwashin' Dome. |
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Traitor To America & Corporate Zombie Eric Cantor slurs veterans, teachers and construction workers as growing mobs. Eric Cantor is a cynical, soulless, black-eyed agent of greed and the devil's personal Congressman. He's a Tea Party terrorist who has no friends even in the Tea Party. The Republican Representative from Virginia is a sworn enemy of middle-class Americans and his own family has disowned him and is in hiding. As House majority leader he has blocked emergency disaster aid, sabotaged the American economy and obstructed any vote to create jobs. October 7, 2011. Capitol Building Catacombs. |
| Al-Awlaki's Final Seconds On Tape! Hellfire missile finds American-born terrorist in Yemen desert. Anwar al-Awlaki was humming along in his just-washed 1988 Mercedes Benz on the main highway crossing the hot Yemen desert in the Al Jawf region and talking jihad to Samir Kahn, his webmaster and only other known American-born al-Qaeda terrorist, then...Byaaaaang! He's soot. President Obama announced the development adding he's run out of American-born radical al-Qaeda terrorists to vaporize. October 6, 2011. Yemen Blockbuster Video. |
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Grover Norquist: Extortionist On Call Norquist holds no-tax pledges from Republicans in his private vault. Republicans that discuss closing tax loopholes or raising taxes on the superrich are forced to polish the no-tax knob of Norquist or face a challenge from the right in their own GOP primary backed by big money opposition labeling them blasphemous tax raisers. The GOP no-tax pledge signers are expressly forbidden from putting the interests of the America people above the special interests of the superrich for any reason. The result has been a debilitating paralysis of the effectiveness of Congress. October 5, 2011. Grover Norquist Fortress. |
| Jon Huntsman To Make Foreign Policy A Dress! Endorsed by Wall Street Journal
Fashion Page. Jon Huntsman will make a major fashion statement. A spokesmodel gave a hint to the style of Huntsman's design by saying 75% of formerly American dressmaking jobs are now in China and India and American women could save money if they dressed like women in China and India. October 4, 2011. Huntsman-Gunn Design Inc. |
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Perry Eyes Military Invasion Of Mexico! Open to U.S. troops in Mexico killing Mexicans. Rick Perry says U.S. troops may be needed for the purpose of killing criminal drug cartels. Rick Perry is winning the who's dumber race with George W. Bush and a military invasion of Mexico would clinch it. October 3, 2011. Texas Slow Thinker Derby. |
| Tea Party Waiting For Superhero! Tea Party faithful see Chris Christie as Savior. What's in their Tea? Where many folks see 300 lbs. of lard and a cutthroat backstabber many influential members of Tea Party see New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie as both the best candidate devoted to their purist yet fuzzy agenda and the best candidate to defeat the great enemy of Tea Party catechism "The Obama". On high mount yonder doth the elite conservative A-list await. Other GOP candidates have so far failed to lift the hammer from the sacred Tea Party anvil that billionaire button pushing backers of all things Tea Party devised as a test to ensure that they alone make the final selection. September 30, 2011. Tea Party Training Gym. |  |
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Bachmann Urges Christian Purity! Says "don't settle" for an impure candidate. God has a plan and Michele Bachmann says that you'll be better off with her as your 99.9% white Christian President when God's plan hits the fan. September 29, 2011. BJ Christ Academy |
| Cain: Blacks Insane In The Membrane! Herman Cain says black community brainwashed. Cain seems close-minded about blacks not being open-minded about seeing the right wing conservative point of view that uses any dirty or diabolical trick including hypnosis to suppress the minority vote. But to Cain, it's just "brainwashing, pure and simple". Cain's 999 economic plan is sloganeering pizza talk typical of corporate con men who create and perpetuate the stifling economic injustices so rampant today. September 28, 2011. Cain Brainwashin' Party. |
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Sarah Threatens Lawsuit Against Founding Fathers! Freedom of Speech was "not wise" because Sarah's secret sexual tryst with a black athlete has been exposed. Sarah Palin was once gaga for black athletes and now that taste for dark meat has come back to bite her political aspirations in the asp. Author Joe McGinnis scoured Alaska for information about Palin and ended up living next door to his book's subject. The Palins issued a harsh warning to their friends not to talk to the author and consequently most of the anecdotal stories originate from folks who don't like the Palins. Allegations that damage Palin's political image include Palin snorting cocaine on an oil drum and having sex with a former NBA basketball player. Palin's support from sanctimonious evangelicals and the white supremacy movement may have evaporated overnight. September 27, 2011. Palin Book-of-the-Month |
| Cain Able To Lead Brother To Death! Cain slays fundraising ability of frontrunner Rick Perry. GOP Tea Party fratricide continues. Florida GOP Tea Party activists gave Herman Cain a huge victory in the Florida GOP straw vote. He bludgeoned heavily favored Republican brother Rick Perry by a 2 to 1 margin. Cain finished with 37%, Perry 15%, Mitt Romney 14%, Rick Santorum 11%, Ron Paul 11% and Michele Bachmann only 4%. Herman Cain was able to upset Perry with a superior debate performance, non-stop meet and greet events, and a rousing speech one hour before the voting began. Perry did not attend or make a speech given a mutinous crowd and Herman Cain's oratory talent. These are the same folks who booed a gay soldier on duty in Iraq and cheered for letting an indigent accident victim die. Perry's best bet was to just fold his weak hand in a rigged game that backfired and be on his way. September 26, 2011. Florida Pekoe Tea Party. |  |
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Have You Ever Been Experienced? Well Ron Paul Has! Ron Paul was trying to change the Republican Party when rivals were bawling babies needing a change of diapers. He's forgotten more than the others have learned but says he thinks that won't be a problem. So far in the debates Ron Paul hasn't been attacked for outliving Old Man River but Texas anti-science Governor Rick Perry has considered accepting a scientific theory called carbon dating if it helps prove Ron Paul is too old to be President. September 24, 2011. RKO Newsreel Vault. |
| Palin Dance Video Fun And Amazing! She's never looked better in catchy cop dance sequence and she can sing too. Sarah Palin is going to do things her way and that's a fortunate gift for the rest of us. She was born for the era of celebrity politics and after a feature film she has created this sing and dance music Oreo cookie that brings back all the fun of the best music videos but may actually be the best political commercial ever filmed. It starts out with a thumping soundtrack like a rollicking new smash dance hit from J Lo and then shockingly it's Sarah Palin singing and sexy-dancing all her favorite Tea Party talking points. The black mini-skirt dance sequence with some frisky law enforcement officers may win over an entire generation of gun loving voters. September 23, 2011. DanceDaddy Fanzine |  |
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Mitch McConnell Smells Blood! Twice as many Senate Democrats running for re-election creates a huge opportunity for new GOP blood and power in the U.S. Senate. Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has almost appeared lifelike recently. If he can sabotage President Obama's American Jobs Act and does everything in his power to ruin the economic recovery and eagerly resorts to outright treason against American workers, teachers, cops, soldiers and their families he may well become Senate Majority Leader. With that power he could have new coats of wax applied daily over his rotting zombie flesh. September 22, 2011. Senate Bldg Basement. |
| Palin Plan To Boost Sagging Support! She knows a surprise announcement will measurably perk things up in the base. Sarah Palin reckons Rick Perry is kinda dumb and has too much baggage and Michele Bachmann just doesn't know how to excite the male conservative base. Sarah is a natural and excites male right wing activists. She has always had the X factor and is able to excite the base with her anesthetizing aura. She has simply been waiting at the bedroom door until the GOP electorate realizes how boring the other candidates are compared to the one and only Sarah Palin. Once Sarah officially announces she is running for President and back in command of the Tea Party movement she can then spread her wings and invite all Republicans back into her fold. Turns out she is no dummie at all. She's crazy like a FOX. September 21, 2011. Palin Papparazzi Service |
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Paul wins California GOP Straw Poll! Ron Paul wins 44% of the straw, Rick Perry 29% and Mitt Romney 8%. Republicans have become an endangered species in California since George Bush but diehard Republican Party Conventioneers cast over 800 votes at the event. A flood of first time GOP voters could give Ron Paul a chance at winning the Republican primary in 2012. Unlike Texas, most California voters overwhelmingly do not want pig-headed anti-science candidates that deny climate change and evolution as unproven scientific theories. Anti-gay and fear mongering rhetoric from Michele Bachmann draws a short straw as well. Ron Paul has won a whole barn full of straw polls in the past but he has never won a presidential primary election. September 20, 2011. Hay GOP! Barn Party. |
| Perry Eager To Use Head Butt Tactics Against Obama! Establishment GOP has mass premonition about nomination of Rick Perry. Texas Governor Rick Perry is certain to do what he's always done which is lead with his rock hard head. Facts never get in his way. When Perry is uninformed, caught in a lie or flat out wrong he just bulls forward and calls that courage. With his anti-science, anti-education, anti-union, anti-gay, anti-Medicare, and anti-Social Security positions and sanctimonious evangelical beliefs, Perry could turn into an indefensible punching bag and possible laughing stock in the general election. September 19, 2011. FutureVision Theatre |
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Obama Signs Patent Reform! America Invents Act is first overhaul of patent system since 1952. The legislation streamlines the U.S. patent system and will help create U.S. jobs. Manufacturers will now be able to market inventions much faster. Long delays had meant illegal knock-offs were in full production in China before inventors received U.S. patent approval. U.S. patent litigation has sometimes lasted decades but may now be reduced or in many cases prevented. A fetish-driven young staffer helped arrange a patent leather signing party. September 18, 2011. U.S. Patent Leather Office |
| U.S.Supreme Court Stops Texas Killer! Governor Perry can't have number 236. Retribution runs rampant across a Texas justice system that runs like a slaughterhouse. To keep the corpses coming prosecutors had a psychologist testify that black murderers are more likely to remain dangerous than whites and therefore more deserving of a death penalty. September 18, 2011. Texas Injection Room A |  |
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Did Palin Abandon Basketball Bastard? Actor thinks Palin may be his mother and former NBA star his father. After growing up without a mother and father one man has refused to end his lifelong search and asked Maury Povich to help him find his biological parents. When Tracy Morgan recently heard of the long ago lovemaking between a very young Sarah Palin and former NBA basketball player Glenn Rice, he immediately called his pal Maury Povich to help him arrange a special revelation show Morgan calls "some kinda super bowl of paternity and maternity show like who's ya daddy? and who's ya mama? all in one show! like baaaang!" Rice has confirmed he made long strong love to Palin, an eager cub reporter with a firm apple bottom ass he nicknamed "sweetheart". September 17, 2011. Who-Da-Daddy Studios |
| Tea Party Plan For Uninsured Corpses! No new taxes and no new mandates! Americans freed from paying for health insurance. However, local governments will need revenue to cover costs for uninsured corpse removal and that's where the private sector steps in with innovation that creates profit opportunities. September 16, 2011. Tea Party Brainpower Inc. |  |
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Injector In Chief! Texas Governor Rick Perry is America's most injection-happy Governor. Perry has a hair trigger when it comes to ordering government mandated injections. From putting hundreds of Texas prisoners to death or mandating government injections of all 11 year old girls in the state of Texas, Perry has been the most needle-happy Governor in American history by a Texas mile. September 15, 2011. Texas Injection Room B |
| Tea Party Crowd Cheers Death! GOP healthcare solutions after Obamacare delight bloodthirsty partisans. Ron Paul had the Tea Party debate audience cheering for death when he explained that dying for lack of health insurance is also called freedom. Last week the biggest cheer was for 235 state executions in Texas. September 14, 2011. Tea Party Death Rally II |  |
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Another Million Hostages! House Majority Leader Cantor says no to jobs for U.S. construction workers. Eric Cantor has become the most despised elected Representative in America. After voting for over $160 billion spending in Afghanistan and Iraq in this year alone, Rep. Cantor recently said no to money for non-Virginia disaster relief right here in America. The Tea Party terrorist is now opposing all non-Virginia jobs from infrastructure construction. All Americans should be disgusted by Cantor and pray the power mad little prick is not re-elected. September 13, 2011. Cantor Mansion Foyer |
| Mitt Got Trouble! That's trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Perry. Oh we got trouble, right here in the Grand Old Party. That's trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with Social Security. Friends, let me tell you what I mean. Ya got one, two, three four, five, six plans on the docket. That docket marks the difference between a gentleman and a bum. With a capital "B" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Perry. Oh we got trouble! Seniors of Leisure City! Heed the warning before it's too late! Your retirement dream is no Ponzi scheme! With a capital "P" and that stands for Perry. Oh we got trouble! September 12, 2011. Miami Tea Party Opry |  |
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Miffed Bachmann Opposes Obama's American Jobs Act! GOP Tea Party to propose Anti-American Jobs Act. Incensed that Obama used the "political circus" metaphor, Bachmann and other Tea Party clowns vowed to do anything to abet her power grab for the head ringleader position including sabotage of the U.S. economy similar to their debt limit rebellion. September 10, 2011. US National Zoo & Circus |
| Pissing On El Paso! Rick Perry calls President a liar in crude denial of friendly facts. El Paso business leaders are flabbergasted. El Paso, Texas was recently named safest big city in America for the second consecutive year and local business and civic leaders hoped the recognition their city received from a recent Presidential visit would bring more business and jobs. However, at the Republican debate inside the Reagan library in California, Perry was so eager to criticize President Obama that he pissed on his own people in El Paso by emphatically declaring El Paso UNSAFE. More than problematic, Perry's performance appeared to be piss poor politics to the people of El Paso. September 9, 2011. Reagan Replicator Library |  |
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Perry Boasts While Texas Burns! Out of control Texas fires burned 1700 homes to the ground while Governor Perry was in California bragging that Texas air is cleaner than ever. Last year in the midst of a bone dry drought Perry slashed Texas volunteer fire department budgets by over 75% and asked Texans to pray for rain. After dismissing climate change and evolution as an unproven scientific theories Perry wasn't even asked which scientific study or theory concluded Texas air is cleaner than ever. September 8, 2011. BBQ Blog News |
| Tea Party, Meet The Teamsters! Obama offers GOP last chance to act like adults. The American Jobs Act puts one million construction workers to work. If this Kindergarten Congress does nothing to create jobs labor leader James Hoffa says we need to "take the sons of bitches out". September 7, 2011. Michigan Labor University |  |
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Mitt Recycles Bush Cheney Blueprint! Romney doubles down on helping corporations and billionaires over middle class working people. The Recyclopedia Romney plan celebrates America's soaring income disparity as prosperity and ignores the destruction of the middle class. The plan reduces middle class wages and benefits so corporate employers can hire two or three workers at poverty wages instead of providing one family supporting middle class job. Romney is clearly an enemy of the middle class. September 6, 2011. Recyclopedia Romney HQ |
| Palin Leaves 'Em Guessing In Iowa! Ignores obvious question No wires?... No hooks?... No adjusting straps? Sarah Palin gave a speech full of moose meat zingers aimed at the President but everyone was really wondering if Sarah was wearing the bra they sell on television? Speculation included the possibility that Palin could head the HSN (Home Shopping Network) if she doesn't run for the GOP nomination. September 5, 2011. TP Confest, Iowa TP Dome |
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GOP Tea Party Freshman Gives Debt A Bad Rap! Congressman Allen West gets down on debt with a thumpa-thumpa booming bass line and a hip-hop beat. Allen West has a natural talent for audacious self-promotion and finding the tv camera spotlight. September 4, 2011. Cut, Cap and Bitchslap News |
| Mitt Ready To Test Southern Waters! Romney to redouble efforts to win support from South Carolinans. Mitt Romney may have a big lead in New Hampshire polls but he could be blown out of the landfill with a dismal performance in both Iowa and South Carolina. Thus, Mitt will employ his $250 million charm and try to demonstrate he has something that folks in South Carolina want really bad and that something is money. With all the noise about Bachmann and Perry and the Tea Party, Romney's strategy is that folks would prefer a C-note to a Tea bag and he's comin' on down to tell the South Carolina folks all about it. Don't count multi-millionaire Mitt out of any race in a state that has more preachers than paychecks. September 3, 2011. Myrtle Beach Country Club |
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Perry / Bachmann Merger Possible! Perry takes lead but Bachmann not ready to submit just yet. It would be the dream ticket for Tea Party fanatics with all the excitement of a royal wedding or old-time public hanging. However, Michele Bachmann intends to hold out until South Carolina which is a must win state for her. Rick Perry announced his candicacy and then immediately took the lead in national polls just as Bachmann claimed her victory in the Iowa straw poll. Both candidates claim Tea Party support so a naturally occuring merger seems possible when the moment is right. September 2, 2011. Texas Tea House Motel |
| Palin Really Really Wants To Run! She wants 100% support from FOX news and continued unlimited financial support from Rupert Murdoch. 95% of the income Sarah Palin has received in her lifetime has all come in the last four years and almost all directly from Rupert Murdoch and his media entities. No politician in American history has been more bought and paid for than Palin so she obviously sought the assurances of 80 year-old Murdoch that her new lavish lifestyle will not suffer due to a campaign for the Republican nomination. Since she has no existing political network she will also need a 100% commitment of support from Murdoch's FOX news network. September 1, 2011. Sun Valley Think Tank |
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Cantor Takes 1.5 Million Hostages! GOP House Majority Leader Eric Cantor says no disaster relief without offsetting budget cuts. Cantor insists any hurricane Irene disaster assistance to New Jersey, New York and Vermont be paid for by offsetting budget cuts. This would be the first time in United States history for such a restriction, including 64 other disasters FEMA responded to so far in 2011. Cantor's position is cruel and unAmerican earning him the title "Public Enemy Number One". August 31, 2011. Cantor Mansion Foyer |
| Perry Eager To Lead War On Satan! Rick Perry's is a warrior for God and intends to use the U.S. military to wage a Holy War. By gutting spending programs like Social Security, which Rick calls an illegal Ponzi scheme, Perry intends to increase military spending enough to finance a final conflagration big enough to bring Jesus home to planet earth. Perry is certain Americans will shrug off their war weariness after Afghanistan and Iraq to support a war for the cause of Jesus. Perry is also certain the military will support him and a new war because he was in the Air Force. August 28, 2011. Texas Holy War College |
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GOP Evangelicals Launch Holy War! Campaigns considered "spiritual warfare". Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry are true believers in an Evangelical ideology called the New Apostolic Reformation, an anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-Jew, and anti-government movement. Top priorities are to convert Jews and use the power of the Presidency to wage the ultimate war on Satan and advance the end times. August 24, 2011. Holy Land Dude Ranch Texas |
| Read My Lips, No New Texans! Rick Perry's politics to the right of Genghis Khan. Even Libertarian Ron Paul was quoted as saying "Perry makes me look like a moderate!". From climate change to evolution to social security to minimum wage to healthcare to income tax, Rick Perry's against all of it and y'all are either with Rick on every issue or y'all are against God his self. August 22, 2011. Bush Science Reform School |  |
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GOP Treasury Man Calls Perry An Idiot! Reagan domestic policy adviser and U.S. Treasury official ridicules Perry. Responding to Perry's attacks on FED Chairman Ben Bernanke, Bruce Bartlett said on CNN that "Rick Perry's an idiot and I don't think anyone would disagree with that". Meanwhile, Perry doubled down saying it would be treasonous to print money to help improve the U.S. economy especially if it hurt his chances of getting elected President. August 17, 2011. Texas Arithmetic School |
| Talkin Big As Texas Perry reveals symptoms typical of Foot-in-Mouth and Mad Cowboy disease. He's only been on the campaign trail for a few days but has already bellowed out a ton of baseless boneheaded bull. Claiming to speak for all U.S. troops, Perry said they prefer him over Obama because he was in the Air Force. Claiming he knows monetary policy, he said Bernanke is a traitor and would be whoopassed down in Texas. As for science, Perry said global warming is a lie made up by greedy liberals. August 16, 2011. Iowa Bullshit & Beer Barn |  |
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Perry Promises To Make America As Nice As Texas! Governor Perry sees his Texas miracle for America Rick Perry's two-step Texas Plan includes limiting education in order to lower frivolous employee expectations of a decent life and offering lottery games for low wage part-time jobs without healthcare or other benefits. By eliminating unemployment insurance and the minimum wage the labor force will stay highly motivated and full employment is assured as former school teachers and Iraq War veterans groom folk's pets for $1.65 per hour. August 15, 2011. Texas Miracle Gardens |
| Bachmann Sets Off Metal Detectors! Titanium spine actually 9mm titanium handgun. Nicknamed "the persuader", Michele Bachmann's "spine" travels with her whenever and whereever she goes. With the persuader and prayer Bachmann and her counselor husband may have persuaded more than one homosexual and lesbian to enter into heterosexual marriages for the sake of their salvation and the Bachmann campaign. Bachmann says the restoration of America requires God, guns and guys who prefer girl buns. Bachmann was cleared to board her Iowa straw poll victory bus. August 14, 2011. Aames Bus Depot Gun Show |  |
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Bachmann Victory Beaches Pawlenty! Pawlenty had pleaded with Bachmann "Please stop because you're killing us". Tim Pawlenty has officially ended his quest to be President. Campaigning was difficult for "TP" because he's an easy-going guy who is for laid back economic prosperity. He may now go fulfill his often stated dream of owning his own marguerita bar in Florida. August 13, 2011. Pawlenty Tent Folding |
| Corn Dog Chat & Cut Causes Scene! Bachmann cuts ahead of 25 people waiting in line for foot-long corn dogs. One man got irate when Bachmann executed a skillful chat and cut and had a deep-fried foot-long corn dog in less than 90 seconds. The man said he "ain't votin' for nobody in no straw vote until he gets his damn corn dog". August 12, 2011. Iowa Fair Corn Dog Booth |
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Romney Fights For The Little People! Says little corporations are little people too. With a personal fortune of over $250 million, Mitt insists he understands little corporations and that is true. Romney amassed his fortune buying and gutting U.S. corporations and sending their jobs overseas. Mitt says his fellow raiders who plundered U.S. corporations were all people and that makes Mitt a man of the people. Romney did not paticipate in the Iowa straw vote because obviously straws are not people. August 11, 2011. Iowa Corporate Only Parking |
| Romney, Huntsman Lose Faith In Iowa! Republican candidates downplay results in Iowa. The Tea Party is popular in Iowa despite a majority of Americans now viewing the Tea Party negatively. Not pandering to the Tea Party populace invites punishment at the Iowa straw poll. Some Tea Partygoers rejoice at a potential American economic collapse convinced that an economic Armegeddon will propel them into absolute power. August 10, 2011. Iowa Stadium Parking Lot |  |
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Palin In Iowa For Tea Party Event! Palin will sell signed DVD's and books at Tea Party convention booth. A Palin spokesperson said of her upcoming appearance at the DVD and book sale. "This is a DVD and book sale to be able to express to Iowans how much we appreciate our foundation and to invite more people to be interested in all that is good about Iowa and to remind ourselves we don't need to fundamentally transform Iowa, we only need to fundamentally transform the rest of America." Palin's just released DVD, "The Undefeated", will be available for purchase. August 5, 2011. Des Moines Swap Meet n' Greet |
| Bachmann Says NO To Debt Ceiling! Claims sky will not fall. Despite predictions of an economic catastrophe, the Tea Party favorite campaigned in Iowa and refused to back down from her pledge to vote NO on raising the debt ceiling under any circumstances. Even if it takes America over the edge of our flat planet, Bachmann said she would vote NO unless Constitutional amendments to balance the budget, outlaw abortion and stop gay marriage are passed, Obamacare is repealed, a flat income tax is law, and Medicare and Social Security are privatized. July 15, 2011. Des Moines Home & Barn Show |
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Bachmann Steals Palin's Thunder! Michele Bachmann roars and scores big in first major GOP debate. Bachmann won over many of those pony-tailed patriots on motorcycles and Tea Party mad-as-piss supporters. A forceful and aggressive Bachmann was able to interject slabs of political red meat into the otherwise dull Republican debate with the precision of a wild animal trainer. She preened like a fist-pumping body-builder after loudly declaring Obama a "one-term President". Her loudest laugh in the room was dominating alone as she asserted her presence into virtually all the other candidate's responses. June 6, 2011. New Hampshire Biker Monthly |
 DAILY RACING RAG EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL REPORTS! If everybody else had these exclusive special reports they wouldn't be exclusive or special. |
Michele Bachmann Haley Barbour John Boehner Mike Bloomberg John Bolton Herman Cain Eric Cantor Chris Christie Mitch Daniels Newt Gingrich Mike Huckabee |
Jon Huntsman Bobby Jindal Gary Johnson Rush Limbaugh John McCain Mitch McConnell Grover Norquist President Barack Obama Sarah Palin Tim Pawlenty Rand Paul |
Ron Paul Mike Pence Rick Perry Harry Reid Mitt Romney Marco Rubio Paul Ryan Rick Santorum John Thune Donald Trump U.S.Supreme Court |
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